Attachment and psychology
Am I addicted to the highs and lows of unstable love?
Sunday, January 11, 2026
There is a quiet, honest question under this topic that can feel scary to ask: "Am I addicted to the highs and lows of unstable love?" It can show up after another fight, another apology, and that rush of closeness that follows. It can also show up when you hear yourself think, "Why can’t I walk away, even when this hurts so much?"
This pattern is not about you being too dramatic or too needy. It is often about your nervous system getting used to intensity, and your self-worth getting tied to whether someone is close or pulling away. Here, we explore what might be happening, how to know if this pattern fits you, and simple ways to slowly step out of unstable love.
This guide will help you name what you feel, understand why calm love can seem boring, and learn how to gently build a life where you do not depend on these highs and lows to feel alive or worthy.
Answer: It depends, but if drama feels necessary to feel loved, something needs care.
Best next step: Write one honest page about how the highs and lows affect you.
Why: Naming your pattern creates distance, and distance makes new choices possible.
This pattern often feels like emotional whiplash. One day you feel chosen, wanted, lit up. The next day you feel sick with worry, replaying every word, scanning for signs he is losing interest.
Maybe there is a moment you know well. Your phone lights up with a sweet message after hours of silence. Your chest loosens, your mood lifts, and you think, "Maybe everything is okay, maybe I overreacted." A few days later, he pulls away again, and the spiral returns.
There can be a sense that your entire day depends on how he is acting. If he is warm, you can breathe. If he is distant, you feel like you did something wrong and must fix it. Your sleep, your work, and your friendships all bend around this emotional weather.
Many women in this pattern feel both aware and stuck at the same time. You might think, "This is not healthy" and still feel pulled toward him. When things are bad, you might promise yourself you will leave. When things are good, that promise feels silly or extreme.
This is not unusual at all. When love feels unstable, your body can react like it is in danger when you sense distance, and like it is safe only when you feel extreme closeness. Over time, the highs of reunion and the lows of distance can begin to feel strangely normal.
Under the question "Am I addicted to the highs and lows of unstable love?" there is often a deeper feeling. It might sound like, "If this stops, who am I?" or "If he goes, what is left of me?" That fear is heavy, and it deserves gentle care, not judgment.
When you feel hooked on unstable love, there are usually a few quiet reasons under the surface. None of them mean you are broken. They show how sensitive and responsive your heart has been to your past and to your need for closeness.
If you grew up around chaos, tension, or sudden changes in mood, intensity can feel familiar. Your body may have learned that love comes with worry, guessing, or working hard to keep the peace.
Later, when you meet someone who is hot and cold, the pattern can feel oddly right. The butterflies, the late-night calls after conflict, the big makeups after blowups, all feel like proof that this is "real." Calm, steady interest can seem flat or less meaningful in comparison.
When your sense of worth is fragile, someone's praise or attention can feel like air after holding your breath. In those highs, you may think, "He sees me. I matter. I am special." When that attention drops, your sense of self can crash with it.
This creates what many people call a validation loop. You start to depend on his responses to feel okay about yourself. Each sweet message, each apology, each intense night together feels like a hit of relief after deep anxiety.
Fear of abandonment is the fear that someone important will leave you or stop caring. This fear can come from childhood experiences, past breakups, betrayal, or even long periods of feeling lonely.
When this fear is strong, unstable love can feel safer than no love at all. You might tell yourself, "At least he comes back" or "At least there are good days." The idea of fully letting go can feel more terrifying than staying in a painful pattern.
Sometimes part of you is still trying to fix a past hurt through your current relationships. If a parent was distant, you may be drawn to distant partners, hoping that this time you will finally be chosen. If someone once made you feel small, you might stay with partners who do the same, trying to earn their full love.
This is not you choosing pain on purpose. It is a deep, often hidden wish to undo what hurt you by getting a different ending. The problem is that unstable partners usually repeat the old story instead of healing it.
Over time, you may start to build your whole identity around being "his person." Your plans revolve around him. Your moods revolve around him. You might stop doing things that used to matter to you, just to be more available.
Then when the relationship shakes, your whole sense of self shakes with it. Without the relationship, you might feel empty or unsure who you are. That emptiness makes the highs of reunion feel even more powerful and necessary.
Many women in this pattern feel a lot of shame. You might think, "Why can’t I be normal about love?" or "Why do I always fall for people who hurt me?" This shame can keep you from reaching out for help or even from being honest with yourself.
But this pattern fits a clear emotional logic. Your reactions make sense when you look at your history, your needs, and what love has meant for you. Seeing that logic does not trap you. It opens the door to change.
This section holds some of the most practical, gentle steps. You do not need to try them all at once. Choose one or two that feel possible for where you are now.
A helpful rule to remember is: If it costs your peace, it is too expensive.
Keep this rule somewhere visible. When you notice your peace breaking again and again, it can gently remind you that your well-being matters as much as the relationship.
When the low hits, your first impulse might be to fix it fast. Maybe you send long messages, call many times, or scroll through old chats to feel close.
Often, just a small gap between feeling and action gives you more choices. You may still reach out, but you will do it from a slightly steadier place.
One of the hardest parts of leaving unstable love is the emptiness that shows up. Your days might feel quiet. Your phone might stay still. You might feel a deep ache and the thought, "I cannot take this."
This is how you slowly teach your nervous system that you can survive these waves. You do not have to like them. You just learn that they do pass.
To soften the pull of unstable love, it helps to grow other sources of meaning and support. This does not happen overnight, and that is okay.
This can be anything: reading, drawing, walking, learning something new, connecting with a friend. Each small action is a vote for a life where love is important but not your only anchor.
Boundaries are not about controlling someone else. They are about deciding how you will act when something hurts you.
Having these lines written down helps when the emotional high makes you want to forget how much the lows hurt.
Instability often shows up early. It might be a partner who messages intensely for a week and then disappears for days, or someone who talks about a future with you but never follows through with real actions.
You might like the guide How to know if he is serious about us if you notice you are often guessing where you stand.
Support can look like therapy, a support group, a calm friend, or even an online space where people talk about similar patterns. The point is to widen the circle of where you take your pain.
There is a gentle guide on feeling like you need a lot of attention called I feel like I need too much attention sometimes. It may help you feel more understood instead of ashamed.
Grounding means helping your body feel more present and steady when your mind is racing.
These practices will not fix the relationship by themselves. But they give you more space to choose what is right for you instead of reacting only from panic.
Healing from an addiction-like pull to unstable love is less about one big decision and more about many small ones. Over time, you may notice that the highs feel a little less blinding and the lows feel a little less endless.
You may start to enjoy moments of calm that once felt boring or wrong. A quiet evening alone or a stable, kind date may begin to feel more safe than flat. Your body learns that steady connection can exist without the chaos.
As you grow your inner sense of worth, relationships become choices instead of lifelines. You might still feel drawn to intensity sometimes, but you have more power to pause, reflect, and ask, "Does this match the kind of life I want?"
Ask yourself how much the relationship highs and lows control your daily life. If your mood, sleep, and basic functioning depend on your partner's messages, attention, or approval, the pattern may be addiction-like. One simple step is to track your mood for a week and note when it changes because of him. If most of your shifts are about him, it is a sign the pull is too strong.
When you are used to chaos, calm can feel unfamiliar, and your body may confuse "no drama" with "no connection." This does not mean stable love is wrong for you. Try giving a steady person more time before you decide they are boring, and notice how you feel after seeing them a few times. Often, warmth and attraction can grow as your nervous system adjusts to safety.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. You can start working on your own boundaries, support system, and self-worth even if you stay. A clear rule that helps is, "If they are willing to grow with me, we try; if not, I protect myself." If you keep doing your own work and the instability stays the same or gets worse, it may be a sign to step away.
Going back does not mean you are weak; it means the bond is strong and your system is used to it. The high of reunion can feel like relief from withdrawal. To help yourself, plan for the moments you usually go back: who you will call, where you will go, and what you will read or watch instead. Each time you ride out the urge without returning, the urge gets a little weaker.
Yes, this is very possible, though it takes time and patience with yourself. As you build your self-worth, learn to sit with discomfort, and practice new boundaries, your body slowly stops needing chaos to feel alive. Many women who once felt addicted to unstable love later find calm relationships deeply satisfying. You do not have to erase your passion to have peace; you are learning how to have both.
Take five minutes to write a short note to yourself that starts with, "This is what the highs and lows of this relationship do to me…" Let the words come without judging them or editing. When you finish, read it back gently, as if a close friend wrote it, and place your hand over your heart for a few breaths.
Today you put words to a pattern that has been running quietly in the background, and that alone is a real shift. You can go at your own pace as you move toward love that feels more steady, kind, and safe for your whole self.
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