Dating red flags
Are his New Years promises real change or just pretty words?
Monday, December 29, 2025
New Year can make everything feel intense in love. He makes big promises. He says this year will be different. You want to believe him. But a quiet part of you wonders, "Are his New Years promises real change or just pretty words?"
You are not silly or cold for asking this. You are wise. You are learning to protect your heart. The simple answer is this. Real change shows in steady actions over time. Pretty words feel nice, but they fade when there is no follow through.
So when you ask, "Are his New Years promises real change or just pretty words?" the first clue is this. Do his choices in the next weeks slowly match what he said? Or do things slip back to how they were once the holiday feeling is gone? You do not need to rush your answer. You can watch. You can take your time.
This moment can feel confusing. One part of you feels hope. Another part feels a little scared. You remember other promises from him. You remember the times he said he would try harder, be more present, listen more, argue less. Maybe he kept it up for a week or two. Then slowly, things went back to how they were.
So when he looks at you on New Year’s Eve and says, "I will change this year," your body reacts. Maybe your chest feels tight. Maybe your mind starts asking, "Is this real, or is this just the holiday talking?" You want to smile and say yes. But you are also tired of being let down.
In daily life, this shows up in small ways. He sends a long message about how much you mean to him. He says he wants to treat you better. For a few days, he texts more. He shows up on time. He seems more gentle. Then work gets busy. Friends call him out. The old habits start to return. You feel that familiar drop in your stomach.
You might start to doubt yourself. "Maybe I am too demanding. Maybe I should be more patient. Maybe this is just how relationships are." You might feel guilty for even questioning his New Year promises. You think, "He is at least trying. Why can I not just be happy?"
It is normal to feel pulled in both directions. You want to believe in his growth. You also want to feel safe. Both are human needs. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting proof, not just words.
Many people make big promises at New Year. It is not just about relationships. People promise to work out every day, eat better, stop scrolling, save more money. The energy of a new year makes change feel possible. This is sometimes called the "fresh start" feeling. It gives a short burst of motivation. But that burst often fades if there is no plan or support.
The same thing can happen in love. He may feel a real wave of care for you at this time. He may notice the ways he has hurt you. He may feel guilty and want to make it right. So he says strong things. "I will never take you for granted again." "I will fix my temper." "I will make you my priority this year." In that moment, he might truly mean it.
The problem is not always that he is lying. Often, it is that he does not understand what real change asks for. Change needs more than a promise. It needs small, clear steps. It needs practice, support, and sometimes help from outside, like therapy or coaching. Without this, even honest promises can turn into pretty words that do not last.
Sometimes, promises are a way to lower tension. If you have been upset or distant, he may feel uncomfortable. He might say big things to make you feel better fast. In that moment, he wants the discomfort to stop. He wants you to smile again. So he rushes to promise the future.
This can look like, "I swear this year I will change everything," right after a fight. Or, "Please do not leave, I will be different, I promise," when you say you are tired. These words may come more from fear of losing you, or fear of feeling like the bad guy, than from a clear plan to grow.
That does not make him evil. It just means his focus might be on soothing the moment, not on building long term habits. In that case, the promises stay at the level of talk.
Some people love the idea of being a better partner. They like to imagine themselves as more caring, more stable, more present. They enjoy saying, "I will be that man this year." It feels inspiring. It makes them feel good about themselves.
But when it comes to the daily work—pausing before snapping, turning off the phone, showing up when tired, owning mistakes—it feels hard. Without real commitment, the old patterns win. The New Year promise becomes something he said, not something he built.
There is also a softer truth. Many people have never learned how to change their habits. Maybe he grew up in a home where people shouted but never repaired. Maybe he watched his parents say, "I will do better," and then carry on the same way.
If he has never seen real repair, he might not know how to turn his words into action. He might think that saying the right thing is enough. Or he may feel lost and ashamed when he cannot keep up with what he promised. Instead of asking for help, he shuts down. The pattern repeats.
When this keeps happening, it does something to your sense of self. Each time he makes a big New Year promise and then slips, a small part of you gets more tired. You might start to tell yourself a painful story. "Maybe I am asking for too much." "Maybe this is all I can get." "Maybe I should be grateful he is trying at all."
Your self worth can get tangled with his effort. On days when he seems to follow through, you feel lighter. You think, "Maybe this will finally work." On days when he drops the ball, you may feel heavy and low. You think, "Of course. I was stupid to get my hopes up."
This emotional up and down can be exhausting. It can make it hard to focus on your own life. At work, your mind might wander back to his last promise. With friends, you might keep checking your phone to see if he did what he said he would do. Your mood may start to depend on his behavior more than on your own choices.
It can also shape your dating choices. If you are not in a committed relationship yet, you might keep giving chances to someone who is inconsistent. You may think, "But he wants to change, he says so." You might pass on meeting new people because you are waiting to see if this time is different.
On the other side, you might swing to the extreme of not trusting anyone. When a new person says, "I want to do better," you might feel your chest close up. Every promise sounds like a lie, even when it may not be. Your nervous system is tired of the pattern.
This is not your fault. Your brain is trying to protect you. It learns from experience. If it has learned that big words often lead to pain, it will be cautious. That is a normal response to repeated letdowns.
If you notice this fear showing up a lot, you might like the gentle guide How to stop being scared my partner will leave me. It talks about this feeling in a calm and simple way.
Now let us bring it back to your main question. Are his New Years promises real change or just pretty words? You do not need to guess. You can look at a few simple signs over time. Not in a harsh, testing way. More like quiet observing.
Real change is not about one perfect week. Most people can keep a new habit for a few days when they are excited. The deeper sign is what happens after the rush fades. How does he act in normal, boring weeks, when he is stressed or tired?
You can gently watch for this. If he promised to be more present, does he keep setting his phone aside over the next month? If he said he would argue less, does he practice taking a breath and listening, not only once, but again and again?
Patterns over weeks and months tell you more than big words in one night.
Vague promises are easier to break. "I will be better" can mean anything. It sounds sweet but has no clear shape. Specific, small promises are easier to keep. For example, "I will plan one date night every two weeks," or, "I will go to therapy every Monday," or, "I will not raise my voice, and if I slip, I will take a break and come back to repair."
If his New Year promises are very big but not clear—"I will never hurt you again," "I will change everything about myself"—it is kind to see that as a sign. He may be more in the land of pretty words than in the land of real change.
No one changes perfectly. He will probably slip at some point. The key moment is what he does after that slip. Real change does not mean zero mistakes. It means taking responsibility and getting back on track.
Ask yourself these questions in your mind:
If he owns his slip and gently returns to the work, that is a sign of real commitment. If he ignores it or blames you for expecting too much, that is a sign the promise might have been more about the moment than about true change.
People who are serious about change often welcome support. This could look like telling a friend about his goal, starting therapy, reading a book, or asking you what would help. He does not put all the work on you, but he is open to ideas.
If he wants his New Year promise to stay private and never spoken of again, or if he gets defensive any time you gently mention it, that tells you something. Real change can feel tender, but it is not fragile. It can be talked about.
While you watch his actions, you also get to care for yourself. You do not have to sit and wait in anxiety. You can take small, calm steps that protect your heart and give you clarity.
You do not need to tell him this timeline if you do not want to. This is for you. You might say to yourself, "I will watch what happens over the next one to three months." This gives you time to see patterns.
During this time, pay attention to how you feel with him. Not just on the good days, but also on the hard ones. Do you feel a bit safer, or always on edge? Does his behavior slowly feel more stable, or does it stay unpredictable?
When you feel confused, your mind can spin in circles. Writing things down can bring gentle clarity. You might keep a small note in your phone or a simple journal.
You can write things like:
Over time, you might notice patterns that you could not see in the moment. This is not about scoring him. It is about honoring your reality.
If it feels safe, you can talk with him about his New Year promises in a simple way. You do not need to attack or beg. You can share your experience.
You might say something like, "When you promised to do X this year, it meant a lot to me. I also get scared, because I have heard promises before that did not last. Can we talk about what real steps you want to take, so I can understand?"
Notice how he responds. Does he listen? Does he get curious about how you feel? Is he willing to break his big promise into small steps? Or does he get angry, make you feel guilty, or say you are negative for even asking?
It can be easy to make his change the center of your world. But you still deserve a full life while you watch and wait. Keep doing things that ground you. See friends who make you feel safe. Move your body. Do small tasks that remind you you are capable.
You might like the guide How to rebuild my life after a breakup. Even if you are still with him, it talks about slowly building a life that feels yours, not just built around someone else.
While you cannot control if he changes, you can become clear on what you need in a relationship. This is not about perfection. It is about basic safety and respect.
You can ask yourself:
Writing these down can help you trust yourself later, if you feel tempted to shrink your needs to fit his promises.
Healing from repeated broken promises does not happen in one moment. It happens as you slowly show yourself that your feelings matter. Each time you pause and ask, "Is this real change or just pretty words?" you are already taking care of yourself.
Over time, you may notice that you no longer rush to believe every big speech. You might listen, feel grateful if he is trying, but also keep your eyes open. You let his actions teach you who he is, instead of letting your hope do all the work.
If his actions start to match his New Year promises, you will likely feel it in your body. You may find yourself relaxing more. You trust him a little more each month, not because he says the right things, but because you see him doing the work even when it is not exciting.
If his actions do not match his words, that is also information. It may hurt, but it can bring a deeper kind of peace. You are not "too much" for wanting more. You are just listening to what is real. You then get to choose what to do with that truth. You can set new boundaries. You can ask for change again. You can also step away if you need to.
Moving forward slowly means you do not have to have all the answers tonight. You can take this season as a time to watch, to feel, and to support yourself gently. Real change, in him and in you, will show up not in big fireworks, but in small, steady steps.
If you are wondering right now, "Are his New Years promises real change or just pretty words?" please know this. You are not needy for asking this. You are not negative for wanting to see proof. You are simply protecting your heart, and that is a loving thing to do.
You deserve a relationship where words and actions match most of the time. You deserve someone who does not just make big promises when the calendar turns, but who shows up for you in the quiet, normal days.
For now, you can take one small step. Maybe you write down what he promised and how you feel. Maybe you plan a calm talk. Maybe you decide on a timeline in your own heart. Whatever you choose, let it be gentle. You are allowed to take your time. You are allowed to wait and see. And you are allowed, always, to choose what is kindest for you.
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