Attachment and psychology
Can I use this New Years to stop chasing avoidant love?
Wednesday, December 31, 2025
New Year’s Eve can feel like a quiet test. Your phone in your hand. His name on the screen. His replies slow, short, or missing. Part of you wonders if this is the year things change, or if this is just another night of waiting.
This is often when the question gets loud in your mind. Can I use this New Years to stop chasing avoidant love? Can this be the moment you step out of the same painful pattern, instead of promising yourself you will “next time”?
We will work through what chasing avoidant love does to you, why this pattern keeps showing up, and how you can use this New Year as a gentle reset. You can start to answer that question with calm steps, not pressure or blame.
Answer: Yes, you can use this New Year to stop chasing avoidant love.
Best next step: Write one clear boundary for contact and follow it for 30 days.
Why: Small consistent limits calm anxiety and show you who can meet you.
When you chase someone avoidant, the pain often feels quiet but constant. It can show up as checking your phone again and again, wondering why they read your message but did not reply. You might replay the last date in your head, searching for what you “did wrong”.
There is often a sharp mix of hope and fear. Hope when they finally text, make plans, or share something deep. Fear when they go distant right after, become busy, or change the subject when things get close. You might think, “I must have said too much”, or, “I scared him off”.
This can follow you into daily life. It is hard to focus at work. You scroll social media and feel a pinch when you see other couples who seem stable and loving. Nights and weekends feel the worst. That is often when you feel most tempted to reach out and try to pull him close again.
New Year’s can make all this heavier. You may look back at the last year and see the same pattern: strong start, deep chemistry, then distance. You may wonder why you keep caring more, giving more, and waiting more than the men you date. This moment can feel like a quiet heartbreak and also a small opening for change.
It can feel like a cruel joke that you keep meeting, liking, or falling for men who are avoidant. Avoidant here means someone who feels uncomfortable with emotional closeness and often pulls away when things feel serious or vulnerable. They may not do this on purpose. It is often their old way of staying safe.
Many avoidant people grew up in homes where their feelings were not held very well. Maybe they were told to be strong or “not make a fuss”. Maybe comfort was sometimes there and sometimes not. Over time, they learned that needing people is risky.
To protect themselves, they learned to shut down strong feelings, stay very independent, and keep some distance from others. Getting close starts to feel like losing control. When a partner wants more time, more honesty, or more commitment, their body may feel stressed. Pulling away feels safer to them, even if they also want love.
On the other side, a lot of women who chase avoidant love have what is called an anxious pattern. This means closeness feels very important and calming. When there is distance or silence, your mind can go to worst-case stories. You may feel a rush to fix things fast.
In the beginning, avoidant partners can seem exciting and intense. There might be strong chemistry, deep talks late at night, or fast emotional sharing. This can feel like finally being seen. But once they sense things getting serious, their old fear of being trapped or overwhelmed can show up. Then they step back, become cooler, or act like it was never that deep.
When that happens, your fear of being left gets louder. You might text more, ask what is wrong, or try to be more “perfect” so they will stay. Their fear and your fear start to feed each other. You are not too much. They are not a monster. It is two different survival systems clashing.
New Year’s brings reflection and pressure. You look back and notice how many messages you sent versus how many they sent. You remember the plans they cancelled, the times they did not introduce you as their partner, or the holidays you spent waiting for an invite.
This time of year can also wake up the part of you that wants a steady future. You might ask, “Is this the person I will still be chasing next New Year’s?” That question can hurt. But it can also be the start of a new choice.
This New Year can be a quiet turning point. You do not have to fix everything at once. You can choose a few small, kind steps that move you away from chasing and toward calm, mutual love.
First, bring the pattern into the light, without blaming yourself. Sit down with a note app or journal and write simple facts.
Try to use clear, short lines. For example, “He often takes two days to reply”, or “He does not make future plans unless I ask”. This helps you see the full picture, not only the best moments.
Now return to the question, “Can I use this New Years to stop chasing avoidant love?” The real answer is that you can start. You may not stop perfectly, and that is okay. Change is often slow and uneven.
One helpful rule you can use is this. If effort always feels one-sided, match their pace, not your hope. This means if they text every three days, you do not text every few hours. If they give short replies, you do not send long paragraphs trying to close the gap.
Boundaries are not punishments. They are ways you protect your own peace and energy. A boundary is you deciding what you will do, not forcing them to behave a certain way.
Here are a few gentle examples you can choose from.
Pick one. Not all. Then commit to trying it for 30 days. This small, steady practice helps your nervous system learn that you can survive the space and still be okay.
Instead of waiting to see if he will text at midnight, plan a simple ritual that is about you. It does not have to be big or social. It can be quiet and private.
The goal is not to distract yourself from your feelings. The goal is to remind your body that your life is bigger than this one person’s attention.
When you feel anxious, your body often wants fast relief. That is when you might send another text, scroll old photos, or re-read messages. Those things can give a short burst of comfort, but they usually make the anxiety stronger over time.
Instead, try some small self-soothing practices you can do when the urge to chase appears.
These are simple, but they send your body a message: “I am here for me.” Over time, that message starts to feel truer than “I need him to answer right now”.
Many avoidant relationships feel like a roller coaster. High highs, low lows, and a lot of guessing in between. One way to see this clearly is to check how you feel most of the time, not only in the best moments.
You can ask yourself each week.
If the answer is “anxious, like an option, and scared” more often than not, this is important information. It does not mean he is a bad person. It means this dynamic may not be good for your nervous system.
Part of stopping the chase is not only pulling back from one person, but also becoming more careful with who you start with. This means noticing early signs of avoidant patterns.
When you see these signs, you can slow down instead of speeding up. You can choose to keep getting to know them without giving your whole heart or building a future in your head yet. There is a gentle guide on this feeling called Why is it so hard to find someone serious.
Sometimes women stay chasing avoidant love because deep down they believe this is the best they can get. Or they think passion only comes with chaos and distance. Secure love can seem boring at first if you are used to intensity.
Secure love is not boring. It is when someone cares, shows up, and keeps their word. It feels simple more than it feels dramatic. It allows you to relax. You may need to teach your brain that calm is not the same as “no chemistry”.
One simple rule you can hold in mind is this. If it costs your peace, it is too expensive. Passion that leaves you empty, anxious, and confused is not a fair price.
If this pattern has followed you for years, it can help to talk with a therapist or counselor who understands attachment. Attachment here just means the way you bond and feel safe in relationships.
In therapy, you can practice new ways of relating, learn to soothe your own anxiety, and understand why this dynamic feels so familiar. This is not because you are broken. It is because your system learned certain ways to try to stay close. You can learn new ones.
You might also like the guide Is it possible to change my attachment style. It can give you more language for what you are feeling and how to shift slowly.
Stopping the chase does not mean you suddenly stop caring. You might still think about him, still want a message, still miss the good parts. This is very human. You do not have to hate him to choose yourself.
Moving forward slowly means you let your actions change even while your feelings catch up over time. You may still feel a pull to text, but you act from your new boundary instead. You may still feel sad, but you give that sadness space instead of sending it to him to fix.
Over months, you may notice real shifts. You might feel less panicked when your phone is quiet. You might start to notice interest from more stable people. You may feel more solid in your own company. Healing, in this area, often looks like boredom with chaos and a new taste for steady care.
Loving someone avoidant does not mean you must keep chasing them. You can care deeply and also decide that their current way of relating is too painful for you. A clear rule here is to look at actions over feelings. If his behavior does not change over time, take that as real data.
Yes, some avoidant people can change, but they must want to and do the work. That often means therapy, honest self-reflection, and practicing staying through discomfort instead of running. Your part is to state your needs clearly and watch what they do, not push them to transform.
Common signs are needing a lot of reassurance, feeling very distressed by silence, and often blaming yourself when people pull away. You might think, “I ruined it” even when you did nothing wrong. If you see this, work on soothing yourself first before reaching out.
A short, intentional break can be very healing, especially if you feel burnt out or stuck in the same pattern. During this time, focus on friendships, hobbies, and small daily routines that make you feel steady. When you date again, go slower and notice how your body feels with each person.
Take five minutes and write one simple boundary you want to keep with this avoidant person, or with anyone new you date. Put it somewhere you will see it often, like your notes app or a sticky note. Let this be your gentle New Year promise to yourself.
This guide has walked through why you chase avoidant love, how it hurts, and how this New Year can mark a small, real change. It is okay to move slowly. Each small choice to protect your peace is already you building a different kind of love story with yourself.
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