He wants to stay friends but I still want more

The message comes in, or the call ends, and your mind spins. He wants to stay friends, but you still want more. It feels like he has moved on to something lighter, while you are still carrying the weight of what you feel.

This piece covers what to do when you think, "He wants to stay friends but I still want more." We will look at what this really means, if friendship will help or hurt you, and how to protect your heart while you decide.

By the end, you will have a clear answer to whether staying friends is kind to you, and small steps to take today so you do not feel so stuck between hope and hurt.

Answer: It depends, but if you still want more, pause the friendship.

Best next step: Take a break from talking to him for at least 30 days.

Why: Space lowers confusion and shows if friendship still hurts too much.

The gist

• If you still want more, do not agree to close friendship.
• If contact makes you anxious, take at least 30 days of space.
• If he feels calm while you feel torn, protect your side first.
• If you feel stuck in hope, choose distance, not more talking.

Why this feels bigger than it should

This kind of situation touches many layers at once. It is not just about him wanting friendship. It is also about what you wanted to believe about the two of you.

Maybe you saw a future together, and now he is saying he only wants to be your friend. It can feel like he has quietly taken that future away, while still asking to keep the gentle, close parts of the connection.

Daily life can become a mix of normal tasks and sudden waves of pain. You might be washing dishes, then remember a joke you shared, and think, "If we can still talk like that, maybe there is still a chance."

Small things can hit hard.

• He sends a meme, and your heart jumps, then drops.
• He says, "You are important to me," but not, "I want to be with you."
• He asks about your day, but avoids talking about your past as a couple.

It can feel like you are in between worlds. Not really together, not fully apart. That in-between place can drain your energy, because your mind keeps trying to solve a story that never ends.

There is also a quiet fear under the surface. If you say no to friendship, you might feel like you are losing him completely. If you say yes to friendship, you might feel like you are losing yourself.

This is not unusual at all. Many women stay in this middle zone for months, even years, hoping that staying close will somehow turn friendship back into romance.

But when you still want more, each friendly text can feel like both a gift and a cut. That is why this feels bigger than it "should". It touches your sense of worth, your hope, and your fear of being too much or not enough.

Why does this happen

When he says he wants to stay friends while you still want more, you might look for hidden meaning. You might wonder if he is testing you, leaving the door open, or waiting for the right time.

Most of the time, the reason is simpler and less dramatic than it feels, but that does not make it less painful.

He still cares, but not in the way you need

He may like your company, your jokes, your support, and your history together. He may truly care if you are okay. But care alone is not the same as wanting a committed relationship.

Commitment means choosing to build a life together on purpose, not just enjoying the connection when it is easy. Many people want warmth and closeness, but do not want to do the work or make the choices that real partnership needs.

So when he says, "I want to stay friends," he might be saying, "I still enjoy you, but I do not want to be your partner." This is hard to hear, and it is okay if that makes you sad or angry.

He likes the emotional safety of you

Some men feel safe with an ex because you already know them well. You know their flaws, their stress, their family story. You may have been a steady place when life felt heavy.

Letting go of that can be hard for him too. Friendship can feel like a way to keep that safety without the pressure of romance. But if you still want more, this can feel very unfair. It asks you to be a soft place for him, while he no longer gives you what you want most from him.

He may not want to feel like the bad guy

Staying friends can also ease his guilt. If he likes you and does not want to hurt you, offering friendship can make him feel kinder, even when the offer stings for you.

You might even hear, "I do not want to lose you," or "You mean so much to me." These things can be true. But truth does not always equal what you need. Sometimes, the kindest thing for both people is a clean, clear break, even when it feels harsh.

You are hoping friendship will turn into more

On your side, the hope for more can be very strong. You might think, "If we stay close, he will see what he lost." Or, "If I am patient and loving, he might come back."

Hope is not wrong. It is natural. But hope can keep you stuck if it stops you from seeing what is actually happening. If months go by and he still treats you like a friend, not a partner, the friendship may be protecting him from discomfort and keeping you from healing.

A simple rule you can hold is this: If someone wants less than you want, believe them.

Why staying friends can hurt your healing

When you talk often, see his posts, and share daily life, your feelings do not get a chance to settle. You stay in the story instead of moving through it.

You might notice things like:

• Going back to old chats and photos late at night.
• Feeling a rush when his name pops up on your phone.
• Overthinking every message, looking for signs that he still cares "that way".
• Feeling crushed when he talks about dating or other women.

This keeps your nervous system in a loop of hope and hurt. It makes it harder to trust yourself, because you feel pulled between what you want and what you are willing to accept just to keep him around.

Gentle ideas that help

This part is for you if you keep thinking, "He wants to stay friends but I still want more, and I do not know what to do." These are small, kind steps that respect both your heart and your future.

1. Give yourself a break from contact

A break from contact is not punishment. It is care. It gives your mind and body time to breathe without new mixed signals.

No contact means no texts, calls, likes, or "just checking in" messages for a set time. You can start with 30 days. If your feelings are very strong, 60 or 90 days may help more.

During this time, you are not testing him to see if he comes back. You are giving yourself a clear space to see how you feel without his voice in your daily life.

If you feel scared to tell him, you can say something like:

• "I care about you, but staying friends is painful for me right now.
• I need some space for a while so I can heal and be fair to myself."

One simple rule you can remember is: If it costs your peace, it is too expensive.

2. Be honest about what friendship would really look like

Ask yourself some clear questions in writing. You can journal on these:

• "If we stay friends, what am I secretly hoping will happen?"
• "Can I truly handle seeing him date someone else and only be his friend?"
• "What would I need from him to feel safe as just friends?"
• "Does he have a history of being clear and kind with me?"

Friendship with an ex works best when both people have let go of romantic hope, and when there is respect and clarity. If that is not where you are, it is okay to say that friendship is not right for you now.

3. Notice what you miss besides him

Sometimes it feels like you miss him, when you also miss other things around him. You might miss:

• Having someone to text good morning.
• Feeling chosen by someone.
• The routine of dates and calls.
• The comfort of knowing what your weekend plans were.

These are real needs, but they are not only about him as a person. They are about connection, safety, and feeling special. You can slowly rebuild these things in other ways, with friends, family, new hobbies, and future partners.

There is a gentle guide on rebuilding after loss called How to rebuild my life after a breakup. It may soothe some of the emptiness that makes staying friends feel like the only option.

4. Decide what you will and will not do

Boundaries are not walls. They are simple, clear lines that protect your well-being. You can set boundaries even if you still talk sometimes.

You might choose:

• Not to talk late at night, when you feel most vulnerable.
• Not to talk about his dating life or your sex life with others.
• Not to hang out one-on-one for a while.
• Not to send "I miss you" messages when you feel lonely.

You can also choose what you are okay with, like occasional group hangouts or short, practical check-ins if you share work or social circles.

Exclusive means you both stop dating others. If he is not willing to be exclusive with you, but still wants your emotional support, it is okay to step back and protect your deeper feelings.

5. Build support outside of him

When you feel lonely, it is very tempting to reach for the person who feels most familiar. Often, that is him. But healing becomes easier when you are not using the same person who hurt you as your main comfort.

Try to build a small circle of support:

• Reach out to one or two friends and tell them you are struggling.
• Plan simple things like walks, coffee, or short calls.
• Join one low-pressure activity where you see people regularly, like a class or group.

It does not have to be big or social all the time. Even one steady friend can help you feel less pulled back toward him just because you are alone on a Friday night.

6. Let yourself feel the loss fully

Sometimes staying friends is a way to avoid the full pain of the breakup. If you do not fully face the loss, it lingers in the background.

Give yourself space to grieve what you hoped for. This can look like:

• Crying when it comes, without judging yourself.
• Writing a letter you never send, saying what you wish he knew.
• Making a playlist that matches your feelings and letting yourself feel them.
• Talking to a therapist or coach if the pain feels very heavy.

Feeling the sadness is not going backwards. It is how your body and mind move forward.

7. Get clear on your future self

Take a moment to picture the version of you one year from now who has healed from this. She wakes up without checking her phone for his name first thing. She feels calmer, more grounded, and less pulled by this old story.

Ask yourself:

• "What did she stop doing in order to heal?"
• "What did she start doing that made her feel stronger?"
• "Would she say yes to this kind of friendship, or kindly step back?"

Let that future you share some wisdom with the you who is reading this now. Often, you know deep down what you need, even if it scares you.

Moving forward slowly

Moving on from someone you still care about is not quick work. It happens in small steps. Some days you will feel strong and sure. Other days, a memory or message will bring the ache back.

Healing in this kind of situation often looks like this over time:

• Your first thought in the morning is not about him.
• You stop checking if he watched your stories.
• His name no longer makes your body tense or your stomach drop.
• You can imagine dating someone new without comparing them to him.

If you and he do become friends one day, it will likely happen after a real period of distance, not while your heart is still this raw. True friendship with an ex feels calm and equal, not like one person is secretly waiting and hurting.

Many women notice that when they finally take space, the fog lifts. They see more clearly how much effort they put in, how much they were holding on, and how tired they feel. From there, they can make choices that are about their growth, not just about keeping him near.

If fear of being left again keeps showing up in your relationships, you might like the guide How to stop being scared my partner will leave me. It can help you feel steadier inside, so one person’s choice does not shake your whole sense of safety.

Common questions

Does wanting to stay friends mean he might come back?

Sometimes, but most of the time it means he likes the connection without wanting a relationship. If he wanted to be with you, he would say so clearly. Do not build your life around a "maybe". Give yourself a clear time frame, like 1-3 months of space, and then decide based on his actions, not your hope.

Is it wrong to stay friends when I still have feelings?

It is not wrong, but it can be painful. The key question is whether friendship helps you feel calmer or keeps you stuck in longing. If you feel anxious, jealous, or always waiting for more, it is kinder to yourself to step back. A good rule is, if your feelings get stronger after talking, take a break.

What if we share friends or work together?

In shared spaces, focus on being polite, brief, and neutral. You can keep things friendly without being emotionally close. That might mean no private late-night talks, no deep emotional sharing, and no physical closeness. Protect your inner world, even if you still have to see him in your outer world.

What if going no contact feels too harsh?

Taking space is not about punishing him. It is about protecting your healing. You can explain it gently so it feels less harsh. For example, "I care about you, but this in-between is hard for me. I need some time without contact so I can let go and feel okay again." Respecting your limits is not cruelty.

How will I know if we can really be just friends?

You will know you are ready for friendship when you feel emotionally free. That means you do not secretly hope each message will lead back to romance, you can hear about his life without feeling crushed, and you can say no to plans without fear of losing him. If this is not true yet, more space is likely needed.

Start here

Open your notes app, and write one honest sentence that starts with, "What I am really afraid of is…" Do not edit it. Do not judge it. Then read it back to yourself, place a hand on your chest, and say, "My feelings make sense."

Then, if you feel ready, choose a clear amount of time for space from him, even if it is just 14 days to start.

When you feel torn between friendship and wanting more, it can feel like there is no choice that does not hurt. This guide has walked through why this feels so heavy, what staying friends can really mean, and how to slowly choose your own peace again.

The calmer answer to "He wants to stay friends but I still want more" is this you do not have to accept less than you want just to keep someone close. You can go at your own pace.