Dating red flags
I keep lowering my standards to keep his attention
Saturday, January 10, 2026
That thought of "I keep lowering my standards to keep his attention" can feel heavy and confusing. It can make your chest feel tight and your mind spin with doubt. This piece covers why this happens and what you can gently do next.
There might be a very clear picture in your mind. It could be you waiting for his text at midnight and saying yes to plans that hurt your sleep, because you are scared that saying no will make him pull away. It can feel like the only way to keep his attention is to keep shrinking what you ask for.
This is a shared experience, and it is often not about being weak or needy. It is usually about fear, past pain, and the deep wish to feel chosen. We will look at how to know when you are compromising in a healthy way, and when you are slowly betraying yourself.
Answer: It depends, but often it means your standards are quietly crossing your own lines.
Best next step: Write down three ways you changed yourself just to keep him.
Why: Seeing the changes clearly makes the pattern real and easier to shift.
When you keep thinking "I keep lowering my standards to keep his attention," it does not feel like a small dating problem. It can feel like it reaches into who you are as a person. It can feel like your worth is on the line.
Maybe you used to have clear lines. You once said you would never accept being stood up, spoken to harshly, or kept a secret. Now you find yourself explaining his behavior to friends and saying "he is just busy" while feeling a quiet sting inside.
You might notice you feel more anxious now than before you met him. Your day can rise and fall with his messages. When he is warm, you feel safe for a moment. When he is cold or distant, you feel sick, restless, or ashamed for wanting more.
There can also be a strong sense of shame. You may think, "I am smart, how did I end up here?" or "My friends would be so disappointed if they knew what I was putting up with." This shame often makes you stay even longer, because leaving would mean facing it.
Loneliness can be part of this too. You may be in a relationship or in a constant almost-relationship and still feel very alone. You might lie awake next to him or after seeing him, feeling empty and wondering why you are working so hard for someone who feels so far away.
Over time, this can disconnect you from yourself. You can forget what you used to want, what you enjoy, and what you once believed you deserved. Life starts to center around not upsetting him, not losing him, and doing whatever it takes to keep his attention on you.
Many women lower their standards slowly, not all at once. It is often a mix of fear, hope, old wounds, and what you have learned about love. None of this means there is something wrong with you. It means you are human and trying to stay close to someone.
Being alone can feel scary, especially when friends are in relationships, family asks about your love life, or you feel pressure from age or life plans. When that fear is loud, almost any attention can feel better than no attention.
This fear can make you accept late-night texts only, last-minute plans, or unclear labels. It can sound like "At least there is someone" or "What if no one else wants me?" This makes it much easier to lower your standards just to avoid the empty space.
If love felt unstable when you were younger, you may have learned to work hard to keep people close. Attachment style is a simple way of describing how safe or unsafe love felt growing up. Anxious attachment means you often fear people will leave, so you try to hold on tight.
In dating, this can look like ignoring red flags, over-explaining yourself, saying yes when you want to say no, or staying with someone who is hot and cold. Your body might react strongly to any sign of distance, and lowering your standards can feel like a way to calm that panic.
When deep down you feel "too much," "not enough," or "lucky anyone wants me," it is hard to believe you are allowed to have high standards. You may think other women can ask for kindness and consistency, but you have to earn it.
Over time, if someone treats you poorly, your self-esteem can drop even more. Each broken promise you accept can feel like proof that this is the best you can get. This can become a painful loop where low self-worth leads to low standards, and low standards keep your self-worth low.
Most people do not go from "I want respect" to "I will accept anything" in one day. It happens in steps that seem small in the moment. One lie is forgiven. One disappearing act is explained away. One broken promise becomes "he is trying".
Each time you let something slide that once mattered to you, your inner sense of what is normal shifts. What would have shocked you before becomes "just how it is". This slow drift is what makes the sentence "I keep lowering my standards to keep his attention" feel so real and confusing.
It helps to separate standards from expectations. Standards are your basic non-negotiables about how you are treated, like respect, honesty, and emotional safety. Expectations are preferences, like how often he texts or how romantic he is.
Many people are taught to lower standards when they should lower expectations instead. Healthy love means keeping standards high around safety and respect, while staying flexible about the smaller things. This mix supports relationships that are kind and real at the same time.
The more time, energy, and emotion you put into someone, the harder it can feel to step back. You might remember the sweet early days and think he will go back to that version if you are just patient, understanding, or easy enough.
This is sometimes called an investment trap. You think, "I have already given so much, I cannot stop now." So you give a little more, and then a little more, even when your standards keep dropping. Hope is not bad, but it can become heavy when it keeps you stuck.
Many women grow up hearing that being "chill," low-maintenance, and undemanding makes them more lovable. You might have heard comments about "crazy" or "needy" girls who ask for too much. This can make healthy boundaries feel wrong or selfish, even when they are not.
If you learned that your job is to keep the peace, you might swallow your needs to avoid conflict. You might praise yourself for being flexible while feeling more and more unseen. Over time, this can turn into lowering standards just to avoid being called difficult.
This part is about small, kind steps. You do not have to change everything in one day. You can go at your own pace and still move toward something healthier.
Start by noticing, in simple words, what is going on. You can write or say, "I keep lowering my standards to keep his attention by..." and then finish the sentence three times with real examples.
For example, "...by saying yes to plans that feel disrespectful," or "...by letting lies pass," or "...by staying even when I feel unsafe." Try to hold this with kindness. You were reaching for love with the tools you had at the time.
Take a quiet moment with a notebook or your phone. Answer two questions:
Keep your answers short and clear. You might write things like "I want to be spoken to with respect" or "Cheating and ongoing lies are no-go for me". Remember that standards like respect, honesty, effort, and emotional safety are healthy, not too high.
Here are some examples of healthy standards:
A simple rule you can keep in mind is this: If it costs your peace, it is too expensive.
Ask yourself, gently, "What have I given up to keep this going?" You can list areas such as friendships, sleep, work, family, health, dreams, or values.
Maybe you stopped seeing a close friend because he did not like her. Maybe you drink more than you want when you are with him. Maybe you hide parts of the relationship from people who love you. Seeing these trades on paper can break the spell that his attention is worth any price.
His attention and your worth are not the same thing. Attention can be hot and cold, selfish, or only there when he is bored or lonely. Worth is steady. It does not change based on whether he texts or ignores you.
One small way to practice this is to notice your thoughts when he pulls away. When you think, "He is quiet, so I must have done something wrong," gently add another line: "His mood or choices do not decide my value." This will feel strange at first, but over time it builds a new path in your mind.
Instead of trying to fix the whole relationship, start with one small line you can hold. A boundary is a way of saying, "This is how I will treat myself, even if you choose something else."
Some examples of small boundaries are:
Pick one that feels hard but possible. When you keep this one boundary, no matter how he reacts, you start to rebuild trust with yourself. You show yourself that your standards matter again.
Raising your standards will not feel calm and strong right away. It will often feel scary, guilty, or shaky. You might fear he will leave, or worry you are being "too much".
This does not mean your new boundary is wrong. It usually means you are doing something different from what you have done before. When you feel that discomfort, you can tell yourself, "This is what growth feels like. I can feel this and still choose what is right for me."
It can be very hard to shift this pattern alone, especially if the relationship takes up most of your emotional space. Support can bring you back to yourself.
You might talk to a trusted friend, a sibling, or someone who has shown they want good things for you. You might also look for a therapist or coach, if that is possible for you. Strong, kind connections in your life can remind you what respect and care feel like.
There is a gentle guide on feeling very afraid of loss in love called How to stop being scared my partner will leave me. It may help if fear of being left is a big part of why you lower your standards.
Sometimes the most honest way to raise your standards is to step away. If someone keeps crossing your core lines around safety, respect, or honesty, it is okay to leave, even if you still love them.
Love alone is not enough to make a relationship safe or good for you. Long-term healthy couples are not perfect, but they are kind more often than not. They repair, listen, and take your feelings seriously. Expecting this is not asking too much.
Healing from this pattern is not a straight, quick path. It often looks like taking a step forward, then slipping back, then trying again with a little more self-kindness each time. That is still progress.
Over time, you may start to feel more solid inside yourself. His moods may still affect you, but they no longer decide your whole day. You remember what you enjoy, what makes you feel alive, and who you are outside of anyone's attention.
Your dating choices may slowly change too. You may find you are less pulled toward the man who keeps you guessing, and more drawn to the one who is steady, kind, and clear. You may value calm and safety over excitement and drama, even if that is new for you.
As your standards rise back to what feels true for you, your life outside dating often grows again. Friendships, work, rest, and hobbies come back into focus. You start to feel that love is one important part of your life, not the only thing holding you together.
A compromise is when you both give a little and both feel respected. Settling is when only you bend, and you feel smaller or ignored over time. A simple rule is this: if you always feel like the one losing, you are likely settling. Notice how you feel after each "compromise" with him.
Wanting kindness, honesty, and basic consistency is not too much. These are healthy standards that support long-term, caring relationships. It can help to write them down so you remember they are reasonable when self-doubt comes up. If someone says your basic respect standards are "crazy," that is a sign to pause.
Many women stay because of hope, fear, and the time they already gave. Your nervous system may also be used to this pattern, so it feels familiar even if it hurts. Try to be curious, not harsh, with yourself about this. One helpful step is to talk honestly with a trusted person about what is really going on.
It is possible that he will pull away if he has been benefiting from your low standards. That would be painful, but it would also be information about what he is willing to give. A partner who wants something real with you will at least try to meet your basic, clear standards.
The pattern often changes when you raise your standards with yourself first. This means speaking to yourself with more kindness, listening to your early discomfort, and walking away sooner when someone is careless with you. You might like the guide Is it possible to change my attachment style if you want to look deeper at how your history shapes your choices.
Open your notes app and write two short lists, side by side. On one side, write "Ways I lowered my standards to keep his attention" and list at least three real examples. On the other side, write "How I wish I had treated myself instead" and give each example a kinder, firmer version.
Keep this list somewhere you can see it when you feel tempted to shrink yourself again.
When you hear the thought "I keep lowering my standards to keep his attention" now, you can see it as a signal, not a verdict. It is a sign that something in you wants to protect your own peace again. You are allowed to raise your standards, even slowly, and let the people who can meet them move closer.
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