Dating red flags
I notice he jokes about cheating but I do not laugh
Sunday, January 11, 2026
That thought of “I notice he jokes about cheating but I do not laugh” can sit heavy in your body. It might happen in front of friends, or when you two are alone, and the room feels different after he says it. This guide will help you understand why it hurts, what it might mean, and what you can do next.
When a man jokes like this, you may freeze. Part of you wonders if you are being too sensitive. Another part thinks, “If you cared about me, why would you treat cheating like a joke?” Here, we explore how to listen to that quiet feeling instead of pushing it away.
Answer: No, you do not have to laugh at jokes that hurt you.
Best next step: Name how the cheating jokes make you feel in one clear sentence.
Why: Clear words protect your feelings and show him this boundary matters.
This is hard because on the outside it looks small. It is “just a joke,” said with a smile, a shrug, or an eye roll. On the inside, it can feel like a tiny crack in the safety you thought you had.
Maybe he says, “If I ever cheat, at least I’ll pick someone hot,” and laughs. His friends laugh. You sit there, unsure what face to make. Later, you replay it in your head and think, “Why did that bother me so much?”
Many women feel this way. There is no clear crime to point to. He did not actually cheat. He might say, “Come on, I was joking.” But your chest still feels tight, and your trust feels a little less steady.
This is also hard because it can make you question yourself. You might think, “Maybe I am too serious,” or “Maybe I should relax more.” You might even apologize for not laughing, even though you are the one who feels hurt.
There is a simple rule that can help here. If you feel small every time he jokes, the joke is not harmless. It does not matter how he meant it. It matters how it lands inside you.
Another reason this is hard is the fear beneath it. If he can treat cheating as something to play with in words, you might wonder what he is open to in real life. That question alone can keep you awake at night.
Many women ask why this even happens. If someone is happy in a relationship, why talk about cheating at all. There are a few common reasons, and none of them mean you have to accept it.
Some people use jokes when they feel scared, unsure, or uncomfortable with deep talks. Joking about cheating can be a way to test the idea without fully owning it. It lets him say something risky, then pull back with “Relax, I am kidding.”
He might be curious about other people, or afraid of commitment. Commitment means you both agree to stay loyal and work on the relationship together. Instead of saying, “Sometimes I feel trapped,” he makes a joke about cheating and watches your reaction.
Sometimes these jokes are about his own fears. He might be scared you will cheat on him, or that he is not “good enough.” Instead of saying, “I feel scared you might leave,” he makes a comment about cheating to see how you respond.
He might want you to say, “I would never do that,” so he can feel safe without saying he feels insecure. The problem is that the way he does this puts the weight on you instead.
In some groups, joking about cheating is common. Friends laugh about it, shows make light of it, and it can start to feel like no big deal. He might have grown used to that kind of talk.
Even if it feels normal to him, that does not mean it is healthy for you. You do not have to accept “normal” if it hurts your sense of safety. A relationship can be caring even if two people have very different ideas of what is funny, as long as both listen and adjust.
Cheating jokes can also be about power. When he makes you uncomfortable and then tells you that you are “too sensitive,” he puts you in a weaker position. He gets to talk about something scary while also making you doubt yourself.
This is not fair to you. You deserve a partner who wants you to feel safe with him, not someone who laughs when you are uneasy. If someone keeps using jokes to make you question your feelings, that is a red flag.
This part is about what you can actually do. You do not have to fix everything today. But you can take small steps to protect your peace and see more clearly what kind of relationship you are in.
When you notice, “I notice he jokes about cheating but I do not laugh,” that is your body speaking. The tight chest, the drop in your stomach, the silence after the joke, all of that is information. It means some line inside you has been crossed.
Try saying to yourself, “My reaction makes sense.” Not dramatic. Not silly. Just clear. Your feelings are a signal, not a problem you must fix.
The next time he makes a cheating joke and you feel that sting, you can name it. You do not need a long speech. One clear sentence is enough.
For example, you can say:
Keep your tone calm and steady. You are not begging him. You are sharing your reality.
A boundary is a limit you set to protect your well-being. It is not a threat. It is not a punishment. It is a clear line about what you will and will not accept.
With this, a boundary could sound like:
Notice that you are not trying to control his whole life. You are simply saying what happens for you if this behavior continues.
What he does after you set the boundary tells you a lot. Change is not just about words in the moment. It is about patterns over time.
Pay attention to things like:
Many women find this part painful because it can reveal the truth. If he cares and respects you, he will not want to keep doing something that clearly hurts you.
Take some time alone and write down what you want your relationship to feel like. Not just what you want him to say, but how you want to feel in your body day to day.
Maybe you write words like: safe, respected, calm, chosen, valued. Then ask yourself, “Does this relationship, with these jokes, move me closer to that, or away from it?” Try to answer honestly, even if it is hard to see.
If it helps, there is a gentle guide on feeling unsure about who is serious called How to know if he is serious about us. It might give you more language for what you want.
Sometimes the cheating jokes are not alone. They might sit beside other things that make you feel small or unsure. Maybe he is always late, flirts in front of you, or hides his phone.
Or maybe he is kind in many ways, but still relies on this one type of joke to avoid deeper talks. Either way, it helps to step back and look at the whole picture, not just one moment.
One small way to do this is to write down specific incidents for a few weeks. Not to obsess, but to see patterns more clearly. You might start to see, “He dismisses my feelings in other areas too,” or “He actually listened this time and stopped.”
Pick a time when you both are not rushed or upset. You might say, “There is something I want to talk about so we can feel closer and safer together.” This can help him not feel attacked right away.
Then share three simple steps:
If he starts to twist your words or make more jokes, you can gently pause and say, “I am trying to share something important to me. Can we stay with it for a moment?”
This might be the hardest part to think about. But it is part of honoring yourself. If he keeps joking about cheating after you have explained how it hurts you, he is making a choice.
Sometimes people stay because “He is great in other ways” or “It is not that bad.” Only you know how heavy this feels for you. But you are allowed to choose a partner who does not treat cheating as entertainment.
You might like the guide Is it a red flag if he never introduces me to his friends if you are noticing other small signs that feel off.
Moving forward does not have to mean making a huge decision today. It can simply mean listening more closely to yourself, and treating your feelings as real data, not noise. Each small step you take toward clarity is a step toward more peace.
Over time, you might see that he is willing to grow. He may stop the jokes, ask more honest questions, and show with his actions that he values your safety with him. Or you may see that he is not willing, and that information, while painful, can set you free to choose something better.
Healing from this kind of hurt is not about forgetting it ever happened. It is about trusting yourself again. Trusting that when something feels wrong, you do not have to smile and play along.
No, you are not overreacting. Your reaction is a normal response to something that touches on loyalty and safety. A simple rule is, if a joke makes you feel smaller or less safe, it matters. You are allowed to say it does not feel okay.
Not always, but it can be a sign to take seriously. At the very least, it shows he is comfortable playing with the idea instead of protecting your sense of security. Focus less on predicting his behavior and more on how his words make you feel. If your trust drops every time he jokes, that is important.
This is very normal. Words can leave a mark, especially when they touch on betrayal. Give yourself time, and notice if his actions now match someone who wants to repair things. If the hurt does not fade and you keep replaying his jokes, it may mean this relationship no longer feels safe enough for you.
Use calm, specific words and speak from your feelings, not blame. For example, “When you joke about cheating, I feel unsafe. I need those jokes to stop.” If he cares about you, he will want to understand and will slow down to listen. If he mocks or dismisses you, that reaction is also clear information.
It can be easy to think this is just how relationships are, but it is not. Sometimes we grow used to what we have seen, even when it hurts us. You can decide that from now on, cheating is not a joke in your relationships. This new rule can be part of choosing kinder love for yourself.
Take a small piece of paper or a note on your phone and write one sentence that begins with “When you joke about cheating, I feel…” Fill in the rest with your true feeling, even if you never share it with him. Seeing your own words in front of you can make your reality feel more solid and easier to honor.
We have explored why those cheating jokes hurt, what they might mean, and how you can respond in simple, kind ways. You can go at your own pace as you listen to yourself, set your boundaries, and decide what kind of love feels safe enough to stay in.
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