I worry he talks about his ex too much

You notice it again. He finds a way to bring her up. The story starts about work or friends, and then somehow he is talking about his ex. You sit there and think, I worry he talks about his ex too much. And you feel that small twist in your chest.

If you are asking yourself, "Is this normal? Is this a red flag?", you are not being silly. When someone talks about their ex a lot, it can be a sign of unresolved feelings or a lack of emotional space for you. It can also simply be a habit he has not noticed yet. Either way, your feelings matter.

The short answer is this. If you worry he talks about his ex too much, it is important to listen to that worry. You do not have to assume the worst. But you also do not have to ignore your discomfort or tell yourself you are just jealous. This is something you are allowed to talk about and set limits around.

What this feels like when he keeps talking about his ex

In daily life, this can feel very tiring and confusing. Maybe you are out for dinner, and he says, "My ex used to love this place." You smile on the outside, but inside you shrink a little.

Or you are telling a story, and he answers with a story about his past relationship. You might think, Why are we talking about her again? I thought this was our time.

Sometimes it is not even big stories. It might be small comments. A song comes on, and he says, "This reminds me of my ex." Or you are making plans, and he compares how he used to do it with her.

Over time, you may start to feel like you are sharing space with someone who is not in the room. You might feel like you are in a triangle you did not agree to. It is just you and him at the table, but it does not fully feel that way.

You may notice thoughts like:

• "Is he comparing me to her right now?"
• "Am I a rebound?"
• "If he misses her so much, why is he with me?"
• "Do I have to be better than her to be chosen?"

These thoughts can make you feel small, anxious, or less special. You might start looking for clues in everything he says or does. You might check his social media, or notice every time her name comes up. This is not because you are needy. It is because you are trying to feel safe.

When this keeps happening, you can begin to doubt yourself. You may think, Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am just insecure. But your reaction is a natural response to feeling like you are not fully his main focus.

Why he might talk about his ex so much

There are many possible reasons. None of them mean you are not worthy or lovable. They are about his inner world, not your value.

He may not be fully over his past relationship

Sometimes, when a person talks about their ex a lot, it is a sign of unfinished emotional work. He might still feel sad, angry, hurt, or guilty. Talking about his ex can be his way of trying to make sense of what happened.

He may not even realise how often he brings her up. In his mind, he could think he is just sharing stories. But underneath, there may be feelings he has not processed yet.

This does not automatically mean he wants to go back to her. But it can mean he is still emotionally pulled toward the past. When someone is still turned toward the past, it is hard to be fully present with you.

He might be comparing without noticing

He might be using his past relationship as a measuring stick. Maybe he had a painful breakup, and now he checks everything against it. He might think, "This is better than before" or "This feels similar to what my ex used to do."

Instead of sitting with his own fears and hopes, he reaches for an old story. That story is familiar. It feels safe to talk about because he already knows how it ended.

The problem is that comparison can make you feel like you are in competition with someone from his past. You might feel like you have to prove that you are different, or better. That is a heavy weight to carry in a new relationship.

He may be trying to show that he is desirable

Some people talk about their ex to seem wanted, experienced, or valued. This can be a subtle way of saying, "Someone loved me before, so I must be worth loving." It can come from insecurity, not from cruelty.

If he is unsure of himself, he might use stories about his ex to feel more confident. But for you, it may feel like he is putting his old relationship on a pedestal. You can end up feeling left out, or like a second choice.

He may think it is normal and open

In some cases, he believes that talking about exes is just being honest and open. Maybe in his friend group or family, people always share about past partners. He might think, "I have nothing to hide, so I can talk about my ex freely."

The issue is not that talking about exes is always wrong. The issue is when it happens so often that it affects your sense of safety and closeness. You are allowed to need a different rhythm in your relationship.

He may not be ready for real commitment yet

If a big part of his emotional life is still tied to a past partner, it can be a sign he is not fully ready to build something new and deep. He may enjoy your company, care about you, and still not be in a place where he can fully invest.

This can be hard to accept, especially if you feel a strong connection with him. You might think, "If I am patient, he will heal." Or, "If I love him enough, he will forget her." But his healing is his job, not yours.

How this can affect you and your life

When you are with someone who talks about their ex a lot, it can slowly change how you see yourself.

You might start to question your worth. You may think, "If I was truly special, he would not bring her up so much." This can lead to self-criticism. You might look in the mirror and compare yourself to what you know about her looks, her job, or her personality.

Your mood can also suffer. You might feel low after dates instead of happy. You may replay conversations in your mind, wondering what you said wrong, or why he had to tell that story about his ex in that moment.

This situation can also shape your dating choices. You may stay and hope things will change, even when a part of you feels unsettled. You may tell yourself that all relationships are like this, or that you are asking for too much if you want to feel like the clear priority.

In daily life, it can affect your actions:

• You might hold back from sharing your own feelings because you do not want to seem jealous.
• You may avoid asking questions about his past, but still feel haunted by it.
• You might check his social media or look up his ex, trying to understand what you are "up against."
• You may start walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger another story about her.

Over time, this can create a quiet ache inside. You might feel emotionally lonely, even when you are sitting right next to him. You may feel like you are there, but not fully seen.

It can also harm your sense of what you deserve. If you stay too long in a situation where you feel like a backup or comparison point, it may start to feel normal. But it is not a normal you have to accept.

Gentle ideas that might help

You do not have to fix him or his past. Your job is to take care of you, your heart, and your peace. Here are some calm steps you can try.

Step 1 Notice and name what you feel

Before you talk to him, it helps to get clear with yourself. Ask, "What do I actually feel when he talks about his ex?"

You might notice feelings such as:

• Insecurity
• Confusion
• Sadness
• Annoyance
• Fear of being second choice

Try writing down, in simple words, what happens inside you. For example, "When he mentions his ex, I feel small and less important." Or, "When he compares what I do to what she used to do, I feel like I am being judged."

This is not about blaming him. It is about understanding your own inner world, so you can speak from that place with clarity.

Step 2 Trust that your discomfort is valid

Many women tell themselves, "I should not feel this way" or "I am just being insecure." But your feelings are information. They tell you how safe or unsafe something feels to you.

Feeling uneasy when a partner talks about their ex too much is normal. It is not a sign that you are weak or needy. It is a sign that you want to feel chosen and respected in your relationship.

You are allowed to want a partner who is emotionally present with you, not half in the past. You are allowed to say, "This does not feel good to me."

Step 3 Have a calm and honest talk

When you feel ready, you can bring this up in a gentle way. Choose a moment when you both have time and are not already stressed. Try to speak from your feelings, not from attack.

You can say things like:

• "There is something I want to share with you. When your ex comes up a lot in our talks, I feel a bit pushed aside. I want to enjoy building something new with you, and sometimes it is hard when the past is so present in our conversations."
• "I notice that we talk about your ex quite often. When that happens, I feel insecure and I start to wonder if you are fully over that relationship."
• "I care about you, and I want us to feel close. To feel safe with you, I need our time together to be more about us than about your past."

Try to avoid labels like "You are obsessed with your ex" or "You are clearly not over her." Those will likely make him defensive. Instead, focus on the impact on you.

Step 4 Set gentle but clear boundaries

After you share how you feel, you can also share what you need. Boundaries are not punishments. They are limits that protect your emotional health.

Some examples of boundaries here could be:

• "I am okay with hearing about your past sometimes, but I need it not to be a regular topic on our dates."
• "I am not comfortable with detailed stories about your sex life with your ex."
• "If you are still processing your last relationship, I respect that, but I need us to slow down or take space while you do that."

You do not have to explain or defend your limits over and over. You can simply say, "This is what I need to feel safe and valued."

Step 5 Watch how he responds over time

What he does after this talk matters. It is not just about his words in that one moment. It is about his consistent actions.

Helpful signs can be:

• He listens without dismissing you.
• He apologises for hurting you, even if it was not on purpose.
• He makes a clear effort to shift the focus away from his ex.
• He talks about your future together, not just his past.

Worrying signs can be:

• He says you are "too sensitive" or "crazy" for feeling this way.
• He keeps bringing his ex up just as much, even after knowing how it affects you.
• He seems stuck in the past, talking about her with intense emotion, anger, or longing.
• He compares you to her in a way that makes you feel small or judged.

If he cares about you and is ready for a new relationship, he will want to protect your sense of safety. If he cannot or will not do that, it tells you something important.

Step 6 Do not compete with his ex

It is very tempting to start competing. You might think, "If I dress better, act cooler, or please him more, he will stop thinking about her." But this path is exhausting, and it does not work.

You do not need to become more than her. You only need to be yourself, with someone who is able to see and choose you fully.

Try to notice when you are pulled into comparison. When that happens, gently remind yourself, "I do not have to compete with anyone for basic respect and presence."

You might like the guide I feel like I need too much attention sometimes if you often feel bad for wanting more care and focus from a partner.

Step 7 Ask if he is really ready for a relationship

After you have talked and watched his behaviour, you can ask yourself a hard but honest question. "Is he truly ready for a real relationship now?"

If he is still deeply involved with his ex emotionally, he may need more time on his own. That is not something you can rush. It is not your job to wait forever either.

You can care about someone and still decide that their current state is not safe for your heart. That is not giving up. It is choosing yourself.

There is a gentle guide on this feeling called How to know if he is serious about us. It may help you see more clearly what real emotional readiness looks like.

When it might be a red flag to walk away

It is normal to ask, "When is this just uncomfortable, and when is it a sign to leave?" There is no one rule, but here are some patterns that often point to a deeper problem.

• He talks about his ex in very intense ways, full of longing or anger, and it does not ease over time.
• He compares you to her often, especially in a way that makes you feel less than.
• He keeps in close contact with her while ignoring your feelings about it.
• He blames you for your reactions, rather than trying to understand them.
• You feel like a backup plan, a rebound, or a way for him to feel less lonely.

If most of these are true, it may be less about you worrying too much, and more about him not being emotionally available. In that case, stepping back or leaving can be an act of self-respect.

Walking away from someone you like because they are not ready can be very painful. But staying in a place where you feel unseen and second can slowly drain you. You deserve more than that.

Moving forward slowly

Healing from this kind of situation takes time. Whether you stay and work on it together, or decide to move on, you will likely need space to reconnect with yourself.

Spend time doing things that have nothing to do with him or his past. See friends who remind you who you are. Do small activities that make you feel grounded in your own life, like walks, reading, or hobbies you enjoy.

Notice what kind of relationship you actually want. Ask yourself:

• "How do I want to feel with a partner?"
• "What kind of emotional presence do I need?"
• "What are my non-negotiables about respect and focus?"

As you get clear on these answers, it becomes easier to see whether this man, as he is right now, can meet those needs. You do not have to guess as much. Your own clarity becomes your guide.

If you realise that this pattern has happened before, where you often feel like second choice or afraid someone will leave, it may help to gently explore that too. There are ways to slowly build more inner safety and trust in yourself.

Over time, you can move from, "I worry he talks about his ex too much" to "I listen when something does not feel right, and I stand by myself." That shift is powerful.

A soft ending for you

If you are here, reading this, you are already taking care of yourself. You noticed that something does not feel good, and you are looking for words and support. That matters.

You are not too sensitive for wanting to feel chosen. You are not asking for too much when you ask for a partner who lives in the present with you, not in the past with someone else.

It is okay if you do not know yet whether to stay or go. You can move one small step at a time. Maybe the next step is to write down your feelings. Maybe it is to have that gentle talk. Maybe it is simply to admit to yourself, "This hurts."

Whatever you choose, your feelings are valid. Your needs are real. You deserve a relationship where you do not have to wonder all the time if someone else still holds his heart.

For now, take a breath. You are not alone in this. And you are allowed to choose what is kindest for you.