Is Being Your Ex's Emotional Crutch Keeping You Stuck?

On September 8 of 2026, a Winnipeg Free Press advice column tackled a painful post-breakup dilemma. Maureen Scurfield responded to a reader whose former male partner kept calling late at night. The ex would check in, casually chat about his new life, and tell the reader to "buck up."

Scurfield quickly labeled this persistent dynamic a form of dependency. She advised the reader to stop answering the phone if simply hanging up felt too difficult. She urged him to step away from the role of the comforting old ex entirely.

The columnist suggested making a list of friends and relatives. She recommended spending much more time with these supportive people instead of waiting by the phone. Scurfield firmly cautioned against treating any single person as a crying towel for your grief.

This public letter perfectly captures the quiet agony of trying to support someone who left you. It highlights how easily an old partner can disrupt your fragile new routines. The advice offers a gentle reminder that your peace matters more than their convenience.

Why does answering their calls feel so exhausting?

Answering a late-night call from an ex might seem like the right thing to do. Many of us feel a lingering sense of duty to the people we once deeply loved. But serving as an emotional support system for someone who broke your heart is deeply draining.

It keeps your sensitive nervous system on high alert and pauses your own delicate recovery. Our team offers honest advice for healing and better love through warm, simple language guides. We see so many beautiful women burning themselves out by trying to be the endlessly accommodating ex.

This habit of staying overly connected makes the modern dating pool feel incredibly heavy. You are forced to carry the weight of a past relationship and timidly navigate a new life. It creates a confusing emotional limbo where you are neither fully together nor fully apart.

The true exhaustion comes from the constant emotional whiplash of these unbalanced interactions. One minute you are trying to give yourself permission to grieve, and the next you are comforting them. It leaves you feeling anxious, completely inadequate, and entirely disconnected from your own soft needs.

You might start believing that your worth depends on how well you handle their late-night sadness. This pressure to remain an emotional crutch prevents you from focusing on your own quiet healing. It simply steals the energy you need to gently rebuild your self-trust.

What is really happening when an ex checks in?

Staying close immediately after a split often looks like beautiful intimacy from the outside. Well-meaning people might even praise you for being mature enough to stay good friends. The reality behind closed doors is usually much more about performance than genuine connection.

An ex might reach out simply to ease their own nagging guilt about the separation. They might crave the familiar comfort of your voice without the actual commitment of a relationship. This means you are accepting small pieces of their time as they process their feelings.

This uneven habit leaves you holding their heavy emotional weight completely alone. You are forced to set aside your own fresh heartbreak to make sure they feel okay. Setting a gentle boundary around communication is a deeply reasonable act of self-protection.

You can choose to gracefully step away from the role of the comforting fill-in. Treating a boundary as simple information about what helps you heal is incredibly empowering. It is not a cruel punishment for them, but a warm shield for your own soft heart.

If every single call leaves you feeling distressed, you can safely silence their notifications. You might text them to say you are not available for nightly emotional check-ins. You can gently ask them to contact you only about highly practical matters for now.

You might find it helpful to silently track the after-effect of their contact. Ask yourself if you feel calmer or much more destabilized after they hang up. This simple question can help you spot the type of contact that needlessly prolongs your pain.

What does the research say about contact and recovery?

The common advice to cut contact makes intuitive sense, but science reveals a more nuanced picture. A 2026 study published in Personal Relationships looked closely at 272 U.S. adults who recently separated. The studied group was 63.2% women, with a mean participant age of 31.9.

These participants had experienced their breakup an average of 16.4 days before joining the study. The researchers invited them to complete monthly wellness surveys for up to six months. The final survey had a response rate of 30.1%, which creates an important attrition limitation.

The research found that contact frequency alone did not significantly predict someone's distress levels. The active desire for reconciliation was actually a much stronger factor in the overall healing process. Wanting an ex back was heavily linked to greater initial distress and less improvement over time.

Post-dissolution distress included feelings of deep upset and intrusive thoughts. Participants experienced ambivalence and negative emotions. Many struggled with general life disruption and a loss of self-concept.

This heavy distress generally declined over the six-month observation period for the study sample. For many weary participants, that emotional pain gently leveled off after approximately four months. Greater acceptance coping was clearly associated with much larger reductions in distress over time.

This finding means that accepting the reality of the breakup actively helps your long-term recovery. Interestingly, 27.6% of participants reported having sex with their ex after the initial split. Among the smaller longitudinal group, 25.9% reported sex with an ex in at least one monthly survey.

This data perfectly shows just how common it is to struggle with letting go completely. The authors carefully chose not to conclude that contact with an ex is universally harmful or helpful. They noted that contact might have vastly different consequences depending on why people remain in touch.

Practical ties like shared children, pets, or housing can make contact completely necessary. The study did not directly measure social support. The real benefits of reconnecting with friends remain a purely practical suggestion.

How can you protect your peace moving forward?

You get to calmly decide what kind of contact helps your heart feel safe. If hearing their voice brings you sudden anxiety, you have every right to let the phone ring. We promise to never judge you for who you loved, how long it takes you to heal, or the text messages you wish you had not sent.

You do not need to participate in every chaotic dating trend to find true love. Building a quiet routine away from their heavy influence is often the kindest choice you can make. It helps you stop overthinking their motives and starts perfectly centering your own emotional needs.

Rebuilding your safe support circle deliberately can make a massive difference in your daily mood. Reconnect with relatives and warm friends who let you be messy, sad, and quiet. Keep the loving support reciprocal by asking for company or a short walk rather than expecting one person to fix everything.

You can move forward without waiting for closure from the person who hurt you. Healing is never a perfectly straight line, and early distress definitely does not mean you are failing. Take a slow breath, lean on your friends, and trust yourself to simply take the next soft step.

Sending you so much warmth as you gently navigate this tender season.