My friends say I should be over it by now

When you hear people say "My friends say I should be over it by now," it can make your pain feel even heavier. You are already hurting. Now it can also feel like you are failing at healing. That is a very lonely place to be.

I want you to know this first. You are not behind. You are not broken. There is no exact time when you are supposed to be over a breakup. Your heart and your body move at their own pace.

If your mind keeps saying "My friends say I should be over it by now," it makes sense that you feel confused. In this guide we will slow things down. We will look at why you may still be hurting, why that is normal, and what can gently help you move forward.

When people say you should be over it by now

Maybe it has been months since the breakup. On the outside, your life looks fine. You go to work. You see people. You post photos. But inside, there is still a quiet ache.

Your friends might mean well. They want you to feel better. They might say things like "You deserve better" or "Just move on" or "You need to get back out there." You hear their words and start to think, "Maybe I am doing this wrong. Maybe I should be over it by now."

So you try to hide your feelings. You laugh when you want to cry. You say "I am fine" when you are not. You stop talking about your ex because you do not want to seem stuck. This can make you feel even more alone inside your own life.

Sometimes you might notice how your body reacts. Your chest feels tight when you see an old photo. Your stomach drops when you pass a place you used to go together. You might wake up with a heavy feeling and think, "Why am I still like this?"

This is not you being weak. This is what grief can look like after a breakup, even when the world expects you to be over it.

Why you might not be over it yet

There are real reasons why it can take a long time to heal from a breakup. None of them mean there is something wrong with you. They just show that you cared deeply.

Your brain and body are still attached

When you are in a close relationship, your brain and body bond with that person. You share routines, feelings, and touch. Your brain releases chemicals that make you feel safe when you are with them.

When the relationship ends, those patterns do not stop in one moment. Your body may still expect a message from them. Your mind might still reach for them at the end of a long day. This can last for a while.

This is not obsession. It is your brain and body trying to adjust to a life without someone they were used to.

Your identity may feel shaken

Sometimes a relationship becomes a big part of how you see yourself. You were not only "you". You were also someone's girlfriend, partner, or wife. You had shared plans and a shared future in your mind.

After a breakup, it can feel like you lost more than a person. You may feel like you lost a part of who you are. You may think, "Who am I without them?" or "What does my future look like now?"

These are big questions. No one can answer them in a few weeks. It takes time to build a new sense of self. That is one reason why you might not be over it yet.

You are grieving something real

A breakup is a kind of loss. Even if the relationship was not perfect. Even if you know it was the right choice. There was still love, hope, time, and energy there.

Grief does not follow a straight line. Some days you might feel okay. Then a song plays and suddenly you feel like you are back at day one. This does not mean you are going backwards. It means your heart is still processing what happened.

Healing from grief is not about ignoring it. It is about letting yourself feel it in safe ways over time.

Rumination is keeping the story active

After a breakup, your mind often replays everything. You might lie awake thinking, "What if I had done this differently?" or "Maybe I ruined it" or "Was any of it real?"

Your brain is trying to make sense of what happened. It wants a clear story to feel safe again. So it rehearses the past. It goes over every text, every fight, every sweet moment.

This rumination can make your pain last longer. It is like picking at a wound. The wound wants to close, but you keep touching it because you are scared to forget or scared to miss a lesson. Again, this is not you being silly. It is a human way of trying to protect yourself.

How this pressure affects your life

When you hear "My friends say I should be over it by now," it can start to shape how you see yourself. You are not only dealing with heartbreak. You are also dealing with shame about how you are healing.

You might start to think, "I am too sensitive" or "I am dramatic" or "I should be stronger." This hurts your sense of worth. You may feel like you need to pretend you are fine to be accepted.

This can spill into other parts of your life. You might feel tired or numb. You might find it hard to focus at work. You may pull away from people because you feel like a burden. You may say no to social plans because you are scared you will talk about your ex and people will roll their eyes.

Dating can also feel confusing. Part of you might want to download a dating app to prove you are over it. Another part of you might feel sick at the thought of talking to someone new. If you do start seeing someone, you might compare them to your ex or feel guilty that you still think about the past.

When you carry pain plus pressure, it is easy to feel stuck. Not over your ex. Not allowed to grieve. Not ready to move on. This stuck feeling can make your world feel small.

None of this means you are failing. It means your healing process is meeting other people's timelines, and that hurts.

Why other people might want you to be over it

Sometimes it helps to remember that your friends are human too. They also have their own limits and fears. Their comments about how you "should be over it" often say more about them than about you.

They feel helpless when you are in pain

It can be hard to watch someone you love hurting. Your friends might not know what to say. They might feel scared that they cannot fix it. So they reach for simple advice like "just move on" or "you deserve better." It sounds positive, but it can feel dismissive.

Often, they are not trying to rush you. They are trying to rush their own feeling of helplessness.

They have different healing speeds

Everyone has their own way of dealing with breakups. Some people push feelings aside and jump into the next thing. Some people cry for a week and then feel mostly okay. Other people, like you, might process things deeply and slowly.

If your friend heals faster, she might believe that is the "normal" way. She may think she is helping you by encouraging you to act more like her. But your body and your story are not the same as hers.

They may not see the full picture

Your friends do not live inside your mind and body. They do not know every detail of the relationship. They do not feel your exact loss. They may not understand how much this breakup touched your identity, your plans, or your old wounds.

Sometimes a relationship connects to older pain, like feeling abandoned, unseen, or not enough. When that thread is pulled, it can bring up many layers at once. From the outside, it might just look like "a breakup." From the inside, it can feel much bigger.

Gentle ideas that may help you now

You do not have to force yourself to be over it. You also do not have to stay in the same place with your pain. There is a middle path. It is slow, kind, and real.

Honor your own timeline

It may sound simple, but one powerful step is to say to yourself, "My healing gets to take the time it needs." You can say this in your mind when self-criticism starts.

You might even write it down where you can see it. When someone else's voice says, "You should be over it by now," you can quietly answer inside, "I am healing in my own time."

Let yourself feel instead of perform

Notice where you are performing being "over it." Maybe you laugh at jokes about your ex that actually sting. Maybe you change the subject when you want to share a memory.

You do not have to pour your heart out to everyone. But it can help to choose one or two people who feel safe. You can say, "I know it has been a while, but I still feel sad sometimes. I just need you to listen, not fix it."

If you do not have someone safe right now, a therapist can be that space. Writing in a journal can also hold your feelings with less pressure.

Gently guide your thoughts

You will probably still think about your ex. That is okay. Instead of trying to stop every thought, you can change how you respond to them.

• When a memory comes, you can say, "Of course I remember. This was important to me."
• When you start to spiral with "what if" thoughts, you can gently pause and ask, "Is this helping me right now?"
• If the answer is no, you can shift to a small grounding action, like feeling your feet on the ground, taking three slow breaths, or looking around the room and naming five things you see.

This is not about never thinking of them. It is about slowly teaching your mind that it is safe to return to the present.

Care for your body while your heart heals

Breakups sit in the body. You might feel tight shoulders, heavy limbs, or a racing heart. Taking care of your body is part of healing, not a separate task.

• Try to eat regular meals, even if they are simple.
• Drink water. Heartbreak can be dehydrating without you noticing.
• Move your body in gentle ways, like walking, stretching, or dancing to one soft song.
• Try to keep a sleep routine, like going to bed at a similar time each night.

These small acts send your system a message of safety. When your body feels a bit safer, your emotions have more room to move.

Notice what you learned about yourself

When the pain is very fresh, people often say "Look for the lesson." That can feel harsh and premature. But over time, it can help to ask softer questions.

You might ask, "What did I learn about what I need?" or "Where did I abandon myself in this relationship?" or "What kind of love felt good to me?"

These questions are not about blaming you. They are about knowing you. Slowly, you can use what you learn to care for yourself better next time.

If you want more support on building life after this, you might like the guide How to rebuild my life after a breakup.

How to handle friends who say you should be over it

You may not be able to change what your friends say. But you can change how you respond and what you let in.

Share what you actually need

Sometimes people give the wrong kind of support because they do not know what you want. You can try a simple script like, "I know it has been a while, but I am still sad sometimes. When I bring it up, I do not need advice. I just need you to listen and be with me."

Or you might say, "When you say I should be over it, I feel a bit alone. It helps me more when you just say, 'I get that this is still hard.'"

People who care will try to adjust. They may not be perfect, but they will listen.

Set quiet boundaries

If someone keeps making you feel judged or rushed, you are allowed to protect yourself. You can share less about this part of your life with them. You can change the subject when they push you to date before you are ready.

Protecting your healing space is not being ungrateful. It is self-respect.

Seek support where you feel understood

You deserve to feel seen in your pain. That might be with one close friend, a sibling, a support group, or a therapist. It might be through gentle online spaces where people talk openly about heartbreak.

Hearing others share, "I also thought I should be over it by now" can soften your shame. It reminds you that you are not the only one whose healing takes time.

There is also a gentle guide on feeling needy and worried in love called I feel like I need too much attention sometimes. It may help if this breakup touched old fears of not being enough.

Moving forward slowly in your own way

Healing does not mean never thinking about your ex again. It does not mean you stop caring. It means the thoughts and memories hurt less. They no longer control your days.

At first, the pain might feel sharp all the time. Over months, it may come in waves. You might notice more small moments where you feel okay. You laugh at something. You enjoy a meal. You make a plan and actually feel excited.

These are signs of healing, even if you still have days when you cry. You do not have to wait until you are "fully over it" to notice your own growth.

Moving forward might look like:

• Feeling a bit more stable in your moods over time.
• Thinking about the relationship with more balance, not only blame or longing.
• Feeling more curious about your own life again.
• Starting to imagine a future that does not include your ex and feeling okay about that, even if it is still tender.

There may come a day when you realize you did not think about them for a few hours. Then maybe for a whole day. The gap between the painful moments slowly gets bigger. That is often how healing arrives.

A soft ending for now

If you are thinking, "My friends say I should be over it by now," I hope you can hold one truth close. Your healing is not a performance. It is your own private, real process. It does not need to impress anyone.

You are not weak for still hurting. You are human for still hurting. It means you loved, you hoped, you tried. Of course it will take time to unwind from that.

Right now, you do not need to fix everything. You only need one small step. Maybe that step is letting yourself cry tonight without calling yourself dramatic. Maybe it is writing one honest page in your journal. Maybe it is reaching out to someone who feels safe and saying, "I am still not over it, and I just need you to know."

You are not too much. You are not behind. You are in the middle of something hard, and that matters. With time, care, and patience with yourself, you will feel lighter again. Not because someone said you should, but because your heart was given the space it needed to heal.