Self worth and boundaries
My friends take more than they give and I feel used
Friday, January 2, 2026
Many women quietly notice a pattern with friends. They listen, they support, they show up, but when they need the same care back, it is not there. It can lead to the heavy thought, "My friends take more than they give and I feel used."
This guide is here to help you answer that question in a clear and kind way. It will help you see what is really happening, why it keeps happening, and what you can gently change. Below, you will find simple ideas you can try without turning your life upside down.
Answer: Yes, when friends mostly take, it usually means your boundaries need care.
Best next step: Notice one place you feel drained and plan a gentle no.
Why: Clear limits protect your energy and reveal who can meet you.
When you think, "My friends take more than they give and I feel used," your body usually speaks before your mind does. It might show up as a tight chest when their name pops up on your phone. Or a sinking feeling when you see yet another long message asking for help, favors, or support.
Maybe there was a night when you were really low. You sent a text saying, "I had a hard day, can we talk?" Hours passed, then days. No reply. But a week later, that same friend called you in tears, needing you for an hour. Your voice said, "Of course," but a quiet part of you thought, "What about me?"
Your body reacts to patterns like these. It notices when you give more time, more energy, more care than you receive. It may feel like:
These reactions are not proof that you are dramatic. They are signals. Your body is trying to say, "Something here does not feel safe or fair." It remembers all the small moments when you felt unseen, brushed off, or taken for granted.
Often the pain is not only about one friend or one favor. It is about the deeper feeling that your needs do not matter as much as other people's. That is a heavy thing to carry, and it makes sense that your body is tired of holding it.
When you feel used, it is natural to ask if something is wrong with you. Many women think, "Why do I keep attracting people who only call when they need something?" or "Maybe I am too sensitive." There are human reasons this happens, and none of them mean you are broken.
A lot of this comes from a deep habit of people pleasing. People pleasing means you focus on keeping others happy, even when it hurts you. Often this started long ago, when being helpful or low-maintenance felt like the safest way to be loved.
If, as a child, you were praised for being "good" or "easy," you may have learned that your place in the room depended on being useful, kind, and never a problem. As an adult, this can turn into always saying yes, always listening, and never asking much in return.
Some friends pick up on this, even if they do not mean to. They feel that you will always be there, always flexible, always understanding. They may stop noticing that you have limits too. This does not excuse their behavior, but it helps explain why the pattern keeps repeating.
Another quiet reason is fear. When you are scared of rejection, you might think, "If I say no, they will leave." So you agree to favors, long calls, last-minute plans, and emotional labor you do not have the energy for.
Emotional labor is the invisible work of caring for other people's feelings, holding their stories, and remembering their needs. When you do most of that work in a friendship, it can feel like your whole role is to soothe, fix, or cheer up the other person.
The more afraid you feel of being alone, the more you might give. The more you give without limits, the more some people come to expect it. This is how feeling used grows, even when a part of you can see what is happening.
Sometimes friends are not trying to be selfish, but they have a very different idea of what friendship means. Maybe they grew up in a home where everyone vented and no one asked, "And how are you?" Maybe they are in a very self-focused season and have not noticed how much they lean on you.
None of this means you must accept the imbalance. It just means the story is often more complex than "they are bad and I am good." You can hold two truths at once. You can care for them and also say, "This is not working for me."
Many women ignore the early signs. Maybe you heard a voice inside say, "I do not like how I feel after seeing her," but you brushed it off. Or the first time a friend talked for an hour about her life, then said, "Anyway, I have to run" without asking you one question, you felt a sting and told yourself, "It is fine, I am overthinking."
Over time, not trusting these signals weakens your self-trust. You start to believe other people more than your own body and feelings. This makes it harder to set a boundary later, because you feel unsure if the problem is even real.
One small rule that can help is this: If you feel drained every time, something needs to change. It is a simple check you can use to listen to yourself again.
This is the part where small, kind changes can begin. You do not have to cut everyone off or make big speeches. You can start with quiet steps that protect you and test the friendship at the same time.
Before you talk to anyone else, talk to yourself. Gently describe what is happening in simple, real terms. For example:
Write down one or two sentences about each friend where you feel used. Seeing it on paper makes it more real and easier to work with. This is not about judging them. It is about telling the truth about your experience.
Take a moment to ask, "What do I need from friends to feel safe and cared for?" Some common answers are:
There is no perfect list. What matters is that you know your own. This becomes a quiet map you can hold inside, so you notice faster when a friendship does not fit.
You do not have to start with a big talk. You can begin by saying no in small, low-stakes moments. For example:
Notice what happens when you say no. A friend who cares may be surprised at first if you always said yes before. But they will adjust. A friend who only valued you for what you give might pout, guilt-trip, or disappear. As hard as that is, it also gives you clear information.
A helpful rule here is, If they punish your no, rethink your yes.
Many women who feel used answer messages right away, say yes quickly, and rush in to solve every problem. You can gently change this by slowing down. You might:
This is not about being cold. It is about giving yourself a pause to ask, "Do I truly have the energy for this right now?" That tiny question can protect you in big ways.
If a friendship matters to you and you want to try to rebalance it, you can have a gentle talk. It does not have to be dramatic. You can say things like:
Speak about your own experience more than their flaws. Use phrases like "I notice" and "I feel" instead of "You always" or "You never." This lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on the pattern, not on attacking them as a person.
After you share your feelings or set a boundary, their response tells you a lot. A caring friend might say, "I did not realize. I want to do better." They may still slip up, but you will see real effort and curiosity about you.
A friend who is mainly in the friendship for what you give might react with guilt trips, denial, or silence. They may say things like, "I guess I am just a terrible person" or "You know I have a lot going on" and then keep doing the same thing.
Try to notice not only their first reaction, but what happens over the next few weeks. Change is shown in behavior, not just in promises.
While you are adjusting current friendships, it can help to slowly invest in people who already feel more balanced. This might be someone at work who checks in on you, a neighbor you like, or a friend you sometimes overlook because they do not demand as much.
Healthy friendships feel lighter. You do not leave every interaction questioning yourself. There is space for both of you to have needs. You might like the guide I feel like I need too much attention sometimes if you worry about asking for more care.
Healing often means letting some connections fade while giving more time to the ones that keep you steady.
When you first see that "My friends take more than they give and I feel used" is true for you, it can feel like your whole social world is shaking. You might want to fix everything fast, or you might want to ignore it and hope it fades. It is okay to do neither.
You are allowed to move slowly. You might start with one friendship, one small boundary, one honest sentence. You do not have to explain yourself to everyone or have the perfect words. Your steady actions over time will speak.
As you practice, you may notice your self-trust slowly returning. You will start to feel proud of the moments you protected your time and energy. Friendships may change, but your relationship with yourself will grow stronger, and that is what holds you through every season.
A helpful sign is how you feel after most interactions. If you usually feel calm, seen, and able to say no, you are likely being helpful, not used. If you often feel drained, guilty, or anxious, it points more toward being used. One simple rule is, "If giving always hurts, it is not healthy giving."
Wanting care, effort, and attention from friends is not selfish; it is human. Friendship is meant to be mutual, not one person endlessly pouring out. You are allowed to want balance and still be a kind person. Try asking for one small thing first, like a check-in or a favor, and see how it feels.
Ending a friendship is a big choice, and it does not have to be rushed. Often, it helps to first set a few clear boundaries and watch what happens. If, over time, they ignore your needs or punish your honesty, it is wise to step back or let the friendship fade. A quiet rule is, "If it costs your peace, it is too expensive."
Guilt is common when you start setting boundaries, especially if you learned that being good means always saying yes. Remember that guilt is just a feeling, not proof that you did something wrong. Each time you say a kind no and survive the uncomfortable feeling, your nervous system learns that you are still safe and still lovable. You can place a hand on your heart and remind yourself, "I am allowed to protect my energy."
This fear runs deep, and it makes sense if connection has felt fragile in your life. You do not have to drop all your friends at once. You can gently loosen the ones that drain you while slowly giving more time to people who feel safe, even if those connections are new or small. There is a gentle guide on building more secure connection called Is it possible to change my attachment style.
Take five minutes and write down the name of one friend who leaves you feeling used most often. Under their name, list three honest sentences about how you feel before, during, and after time with them. Then circle one small boundary you are willing to try this week, even if it is as simple as taking longer to respond or saying no once.
We have talked about why feeling used in friendships hurts so much, how these patterns form, and gentle steps to protect your energy while giving space for healthier bonds. It is okay to move slowly as you practice new boundaries and see who meets you there with care.
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