Self worth and boundaries
On October 8, 2026, the New York Post published a feature about four women in their 20s and 30s who said they had never had a serious relationship. Their accounts included caution around dating and pressure about being single.
Allie Duff described shame about being single. Mikkinzie Stokes spoke about having an independent life that made her more selective. Avery Arnett and Esther Schaafsma described different experiences that had made dating feel difficult.
These are personal accounts rather than a representative survey. They do not establish a rise in women avoiding relationships or a single reason for being single.
For anyone who has quietly wondered whether she is falling behind, the story opens a gentler question. What if taking your time is not proof that something is wrong with you?
Not having a boyfriend can feel like a private detail you are repeatedly asked to explain. A question about dating may land as a question about your whole life. You might feel expected to offer either a hopeful update or a reason.
The tiring part is not always the wish for a relationship. It can be the feeling that you must defend wanting one without appearing lonely. Or defend being single without sounding closed to love.
Duff told the Post about feeling behind before coming to believe there was no fixed life timeline. Her account gives language to that pressure without turning it into a rule about every single woman.
There can be pressure in the opposite direction too. Once independence becomes part of the conversation, admitting that you would like a partner may feel awkward. You do not have to pretend that a full life leaves no room for longing.
In our experience, even asking for a simple phone call can bring up fears of seeming demanding. Clients have shared that worry with us and we have felt it ourselves. Trying to appear low-maintenance can leave very little room to say what you actually want.
Our own experience of waiting for a message on a Sunday afternoon reminds us how easily a reply can become a measure of worth. Putting the phone in another room and making tea helped us remember that our value was not tied to his response time.
That memory leaves us wary of treating a boyfriend as the missing proof that a woman's life is going well. Being able to say you are talking to someone does not tell the whole story of how it feels.
That is the part we care about at Uncrumb. Our guides focus on moving away from chasing approval and toward trusting your own voice. That work is not about appearing perfectly content with singlehood.
It is about leaving room for an honest answer. You can like your life and wish someone would share it. You can want that person and still dislike the choices in front of you.
When a private relationship history becomes a public talking point, it can start to look like a status report. Has she dated enough? Has she found someone yet?
Our view is that this is where performance enters the conversation. Being able to name a partner may look like progress from the outside. It tells us very little about whether that relationship offers honesty or mutual effort.
The same problem appears when being single is presented as proof of perfect independence. Neither having a partner nor living without one needs to become a role you perform. There is room for a less tidy account of what you want.
Arnett told the Post that experiences among her peers had made her cautious. She described discovering that men she was speaking with already had girlfriends or were talking to other women. She still wanted to date.
Her account does not ask us to admire giving up on love. It leaves room for wanting a relationship without accepting the particular behavior in front of you.
That distinction matters to our approach. The question of whether you want love is separate from whether you want a relationship with this person. Saying no to one possibility does not have to mean saying no to every possibility.
Those are different decisions. You can feel ready for closeness without feeling ready to trust a particular person. You can be disappointed that a connection has not worked without treating the disappointment as proof that your standards were the problem.
Stokes told the Post that independence had made her more selective. She wanted someone who would add to her life. Read as her own preference, that is a description of what she values rather than a demand that every woman feel the same.
For us, this is not about expecting a partner to remove every difficulty from life. It is about making room for your preferences without treating them as embarrassing obstacles. We value effort from both people over the appearance of being chosen.
A slower dating life can be one way to leave room for discernment. It is not a promise of safety or a test of how much you respect yourself.
Schaafsma's account makes that distinction worth keeping. She described fear after repeated ghosting and growing anxiety after a long period away from dating. Her experience gives the story a different shape from a simple celebration of stepping back.
Arnett shared another kind of uncertainty. She worried about missing lessons that come from relationships. Wanting to protect yourself does not mean you stop wondering about experiences you have not had.
There is no need to force those feelings into a single neat answer. A pause might feel welcome. It might feel lonely or complicated.
At Uncrumb, our guiding principle is that a choice which costs your peace is too expensive. Here, we mean that as a question about the strain of proving yourself. We do not mean that every nervous feeling is a reason to leave or stop dating.
Our guides use gentle steps and simple boundaries to help people hear their own voice. The aim is not to become someone who never feels uncertain. It is to let your own wishes matter within that uncertainty.
That can start with separating what you want from what you feel expected to report. For us, giving your own judgment more room matters more than seeming experienced. A relationship history does not need to become an apology.
We do not see boundaries as proof that you have stopped caring. In the accounts here, caring about a future relationship and being cautious about present choices sit together. The practical question is not how to appear less selective, but whether a particular connection fits the life you want.
A secondary survey summary described a 2022 survey in which 57% of single U.S. adults were not looking for either a relationship or casual dates. The summary reported a sample of 6,034 adults.
That is older context from a secondary account rather than the original survey report. It concerns single adults across relationship histories. It is not a count of women who have never had a boyfriend or evidence of their reasons.
Those categories deserve to stay separate. Never having married is not the same as never having had a serious relationship. Not looking for dates now does not describe someone's whole romantic past.
The useful point is modest: not currently seeking dates is one experience within singlehood. It should not be treated as a complete explanation of someone's hopes or choices.
You do not need to join every conversation about what single women should be doing. You do not need to turn a slower dating life into a public statement. Nor do you need to pretend you never wish things had happened differently.
The women in the Post's feature described different lives. Their accounts leave room for caution and independence alongside shame or fear. There is no reason to flatten that range into a story about women succeeding or failing at love.
Our view is simpler. Wanting a partner does not require agreeing to a relationship you do not want. Having less experience does not make your preferences less worthy of respect.
There is room for a life not arranged around chasing love. That does not mean love has become unwelcome. It means the rest of your days still belong to you.
An unwritten part of your relationship history can remain unwritten for now. It does not make the life around it any less real.
A collective of writers and researchers specializing in behavioral psychology and relationship recovery.
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