Self worth and boundaries
Should I stay if I like him but hate myself here?
Tuesday, January 13, 2026
This question, "Should I stay if I like him but hate myself here?", often comes up in quiet moments. Maybe it hits you after a small fight, or even after a nice date. There is a gap between how much you like him and how little you like yourself when you are with him.
In this guide, we will look at that gap. We will explore why you can care about someone and still feel heavy, wrong, or small in the relationship. We will also look at gentle steps so you can feel more sure of what is right for you.
The goal is not to push you to stay or to leave. The goal is to help you see what is really happening inside you, so you can make a choice that respects your whole self, not just your feelings for him.
Answer: Do not stay where you hate yourself, even if you like him.
Best next step: Write down how you feel before, during, and after seeing him.
Why: Your feelings show if the relationship supports or harms your self-worth.
This is a shared experience. Many women say, "I like him so much, but I hate who I am when I am with him." It is confusing because both things feel true at the same time.
On good days, you might laugh together, share inside jokes, or feel close when you text. For a moment, it feels safe. You think, "Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe this is fine."
Then something small happens. He is late again. He forgets what you told him. He pulls away when you try to share a feeling. You notice how fast you blame yourself. "I am too needy. I should be cooler. I am the problem."
Over time, this becomes a pattern. Before seeing him, you feel both excited and tense. During the date, you watch yourself from the outside, checking if you are "too much". After, you replay every word, and the self-hate grows stronger.
Sometimes, you feel like you are living two lives. There is the version of you your friends know, who can laugh and feel like herself. Then there is the version of you with him, walking on eggshells, always trying not to lose him.
When you ask, "Should I stay if I like him but hate myself here?", what you really ask is, "Is my love for him more important than my love for myself?" That is a hard and painful question.
Feeling this way does not mean you are broken. It often comes from a mix of your history, your self-worth, and the way this relationship works.
If your self-worth is low, love can feel like proof that you are okay. You may think, "If he chooses me, then I matter." When you think this way, his moods and his attention feel very powerful.
When he is warm, you feel good about yourself. When he is distant, you feel like you are nothing. This swing is tiring and painful. It makes you watch his reactions more than your own feelings.
Many women who feel shy, sensitive, or scared of rejection find it very hard to leave, even when they are unhappy. The fear of loss feels bigger than the pain of staying.
Sometimes this feeling is not just about him. It may echo how you felt as a child or in past relationships. Maybe you had to work hard for care. Maybe love felt like something you earned by being "good" or "easy".
When a partner is hot and cold, critical, or checked out, it can wake up these old stories. You may feel pulled to try harder to be what they want, instead of asking, "What do I need here?"
Self-hate often grows when your real needs are not named or respected. Maybe you need more communication, more consistency, or more kindness. Maybe you need less teasing or less last-minute canceling.
If you keep swallowing these needs because you are scared he will leave, your body feels that. Over time, you may start to think, "I am the one asking too much," instead of, "I am asking for basic respect."
Exclusive means you both stop dating others. If you want that and he avoids the topic, you may turn your wish into a flaw inside you, instead of seeing it as a normal desire for safety.
Another reason you might hate yourself here is that you have slowly let go of you. Maybe you see your friends less. You dropped hobbies. You wait for his texts to plan your week.
At first, this can feel romantic or exciting. Over time, it leaves you with less of your own life. Then, when things feel off with him, there is nowhere for you to stand. You feel small and empty, and you blame yourself instead of the imbalance.
A simple rule to remember is, "If you keep shrinking, the relationship is not growing."
This question does not have one clear answer for every woman. But there are gentle steps that can help you see more clearly, whether you stay for now or choose to end it later.
Take a piece of paper and draw two columns. At the top of one, write, "How I feel about him." At the top of the other, write, "How I feel about myself in this relationship."
Look at the second column closely. This is the one that tells you if this place is good for your self-worth. Liking him is not enough if you hate yourself around him.
For one or two weeks, note three small check-ins on the days you see him.
Use simple words. Tired. Numb. Light. Heavy. Calm. On edge. Over time, patterns appear. If you usually feel worse after seeing him, that is important information.
Try to be as specific as you can. Instead of just, "I hate myself here", ask, "When do I feel that most?"
Write down three moments from the last month when you felt that strong self-hate. What was said? What did you do? Where did you abandon yourself to keep him close?
Boundaries are the lines where you say, "This is okay for me" and "This is not okay for me." They protect your self-respect.
Choose one small boundary to start with. It might be:
Try this boundary once and then notice how you feel about yourself after. Often, self-hate softens when you stand with yourself, even if he reacts poorly at first.
You might like the guide Should I be worried if he is always late if lateness is something that hurts you often.
When your whole sense of worth sits in one relationship, every small thing he does feels huge. To ease this, grow the parts of your life that have nothing to do with him.
This is not about pulling away in anger. It is about remembering that your value is bigger than this one connection.
Pick one small, honest thing you feel. For example, "I feel anxious when plans change last minute," or "I feel sad when you tease me about my body." Share it calmly, without blame.
Then watch what he does. You are not just listening to his words. You are watching his pattern over time.
If someone cares about you, they care about how you feel around them. They may not do it perfectly, but they will try. If they never take your feelings seriously, it will be very hard to heal your self-worth while staying.
Stay with this question gently. What is the emotional cost of staying where you hate yourself? Sleep, focus, friendships, work, mental health, body image, sense of joy?
Sometimes it helps to write, "If I stay like this for another year, what might happen to me?" Then, "If I stepped back or left, what might open up, even if it hurts at first?"
One simple rule that can guide you is, "If it costs your peace, it is too expensive."
Talking to a therapist can help you see patterns and rebuild self-worth piece by piece. If therapy is not possible right now, choose one or two trusted people who can listen without pushing you.
Let them know, "I do not need advice right away. I just want to say out loud how I feel in this relationship." Sometimes, hearing yourself speak is the first step back to yourself.
There is a gentle guide on feeling needy called I feel like I need too much attention sometimes. It might help if you often call yourself "too much" in relationships.
When you first see, "I like him but hate myself here", it can feel like a heavy truth. You might wish you could go back to not knowing. But seeing it clearly is a deep act of care for yourself.
Healing from this place does not happen in one big decision. It happens in many small choices where you stand a little more with yourself. Some of those choices you can make while still in the relationship. Some you may only be able to make once you leave.
Over time, you may notice small shifts. You speak up a little more. You wait to reply when you feel panicked. You choose rest over one more late-night call. These moments are proof that your self-worth is growing.
Whether you stay for now or choose to step away, the main thing is this you cannot build a stable love on top of deep self-hate. The relationship might continue, but it will not feel safe inside you until your sense of worth is part of the picture.
Sometimes, yes, but only if the relationship is not actively harming you. If he is open to hearing your needs, willing to grow, and you feel a little safer over time, you might work on your self-worth while staying.
If he dismisses your feelings, mocks your boundaries, or makes you feel small on purpose, it is very hard to heal in that space. A helpful rule is, "If your growth bothers them, your growth needs distance."
This fear is very common, especially if your self-worth feels low right now. Your brain may tell you, "This is my only chance", even when that is not true.
Try this small step tell yourself, "This fear is real, but it is not a fact." Then focus on building one area of your own life, like work, hobbies, or friendships. The stronger your life feels outside romance, the less power this fear will hold.
Often, it is a mix. You may have tender places inside you from past hurt, and the relationship may press on those spots instead of caring for them. To sort this, ask, "Do I like the person I am in my friendships, at work, and alone?"
If you only hate yourself in this one relationship, that is strong information that the dynamic here is not good for you. Working on your own patterns is important, but you do not have to stay in a place that keeps wounding you while you do that work.
Sometimes there is no clear "bad guy". He might not be cruel. He might just be unable or unwilling to give the kind of care, attention, and safety that helps you feel like yourself.
Your pain still matters, even without big drama. If you shrink, go quiet, or feel wrong most of the time with him, that is enough reason to question staying. Respect how you feel, not just what it looks like from the outside.
There is no perfect timeline, but set one for yourself so you do not stay stuck forever. For example, you might say, "I will try these new boundaries and honest talks for 2-3 months, then review how I feel."
During that time, do not just watch his words. Watch your own inner state. If after that time you still hate yourself here, it is kind to consider leaving, even if it hurts.
Open a note on your phone and write one sentence that begins with, "I hate myself here most when..." Finish that line honestly. Then add one more line, "One small thing I can do to protect myself is..."
Keep this note where you can see it this week. Let it guide one small action that honors you.
The self-respect line in this question is simple you deserve relationships where you can like the other person without having to hate yourself. Today, you can take one small step toward a life where your feelings for someone else never cost you your relationship with you.
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