Dating red flags
Should I worry if he gets secretive about messages every Christmas?
Wednesday, December 24, 2025
Christmas is meant to feel warm and close, but instead you are watching his phone. He turns the screen away, types fast, and your stomach drops. You wonder, “Should I worry if he gets secretive about messages every Christmas?”
The short answer is this. It can be something to worry about, but not always. Secretive messages at Christmas are a sign to notice, to listen to your body, and to ask gentle questions. They are not a reason to attack yourself, or to assume the worst right away.
If this only happens around gifts and surprises, it might be harmless. If it repeats every year, or comes with other red flags, it deserves a closer look. This guide will help you understand what may be going on, what is normal, and what is not, and how you can talk about it without feeling like you are “too much”.
You might sit on the sofa together, Christmas lights on, movie playing. He keeps checking his phone. Each time a message comes, he tilts the screen away. Maybe he even leaves the room to reply. Your mind goes straight to, “Who is that?”
Your body reacts before your thoughts do. Tight chest. Shaky hands. You stop hearing the movie. You start replaying every moment from the last weeks. You scan for clues you might have missed.
You might think, “Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into this?” At the same time, you feel pushed out, like there is a part of his life you are not allowed to see. That mix of doubt and hurt can be very heavy.
Instead of feeling close and relaxed, you feel like you are on guard. You notice when the screen lights up. You count how long each reply takes. You listen to the sound of his typing. The night becomes less about being together and more about trying not to fall apart.
There can also be shame. You might hide your worry because you do not want to seem jealous or controlling. You may tell yourself, “It is Christmas, I should not make a fuss.” So you swallow the feeling, but it does not really go away.
Sometimes you try to calm yourself with good stories. Maybe he is planning a gift. Maybe it is a family issue. These things do happen. But if you are using that story every year to avoid a hard talk, you may feel yourself getting more tense and unsure over time.
Understanding why this might be happening can help you feel less lost. It also helps you choose what to do next with more calm instead of panic.
Some people really love the feeling of surprise. Hiding a gift, planning a trip, or arranging a party can make them feel excited. They might guard their phone to protect that surprise, not to hide anything harmful.
If his secretive behavior is new and only happens close to Christmas, and the rest of the year he is open, this could be the case. You might notice that after the holiday, he relaxes again and goes back to his normal phone habits.
Sometimes secrecy is not about cheating. It is about avoiding hard feelings. For example, maybe a family member is texting him with drama. Maybe he feels torn between family plans and plans with you. He may hide messages to avoid questions, or to avoid seeing your face fall.
People also hide things when they feel ashamed, even if the thing itself is not huge. Maybe he overspent on something, or promised someone else something, and now feels stuck. The phone turns into a way to manage his anxiety, even if it increases yours.
Not everyone has the same idea of what privacy in a relationship should look like. For some, reading each other’s messages is normal. For others, the phone is always private, no matter how close the relationship.
If he grew up in a family where everyone had locked phones, or where people judged each other harshly, he may feel safer keeping his phone to himself. To you, that same behavior can feel like secrecy, especially at a time when you expect more openness and togetherness.
There are also times when secretive messages are a real red flag. This is more likely when it is not just Christmas. Maybe he is often defensive, lies about who he is with, or changes his story. Maybe you catch him in small lies about his phone, like saying it was his sister when it was not.
When secrecy happens along with other worrying signs, like emotional distance, controlling behavior, or repeated lying, it is fair to take your concern seriously. Your body is often the first to notice that something is off.
Christmas tends to amplify whatever is already in the relationship. There is more family pressure, more expectations, more meaning put on small moments. So when he hides his phone, it can feel like more than just a habit. It can feel like a statement about how important you are.
This does not mean you are “too sensitive”. It means the season itself makes emotions stronger. That is normal. What matters is how you and he handle those feelings together.
Secretive messaging at Christmas does not just live in that one evening. It can spill into many parts of your life.
First, it can affect your mood. You might feel anxious, restless, or suddenly low. Things that usually bring you joy, like decorating or baking, may feel flat because your mind keeps going back to his phone.
It can touch your sense of self worth. You may start to think, “If I were enough, he would not do this,” or “If I were more easygoing, this would not bother me.” These thoughts can slowly chip away at how you see yourself, even though his choices are not proof of your value.
Your behavior may change too. You might start checking your own phone less, or more, to match him. You might look for signs on social media. You might test him, like asking small questions to see if his answer matches what you suspect. This is understandable, but it is also exhausting.
Over time, you might begin to doubt your own sense of reality. One part of you feels hurt and uneasy. Another part says, “He says it is nothing, maybe I am making it up.” This inner split can create a lot of confusion and self-blame.
It can also shape how you date and love in the future. If this pattern repeats with the same person, or with several partners, you may feel like you cannot trust anyone. You may start relationships already on guard, expecting to be shut out again.
None of this means you are broken or dramatic. It means your need for honesty and emotional safety is not being met in a steady way. That need is healthy. It is okay to listen to it.
You do not have to solve everything in one talk or one night. Here are slow, kind steps you can try, at your own pace.
Before you bring it up with him, take a moment to name what you feel. This can be quiet and simple. You might think or write, “I feel anxious when he hides his phone,” or “I feel left out when he walks away to text.”
Naming the feeling can lower the intensity a little. It also gives you clear words to use later, so you do not need to react in the heat of the moment.
If you notice your body getting very tense, you can try a tiny grounding practice. For example, place your feet on the floor, take three slow breaths, and look around the room, naming five things you see. This will not fix the whole situation, but it can bring you back to yourself.
Try not to start this conversation in the middle of a fight, or while he is mid-text and you are already triggered. Pick a calmer moment. It might be a walk, a quiet morning, or a time after the holiday rush.
You can open the talk with a gentle, honest line, like, “Can we talk for a minute? I noticed you were secretive with your messages today, and it made me feel anxious and left out. I would like to understand what was going on. Can you tell me?”
This kind of sentence keeps the focus on your feelings and on understanding, not on accusing. It invites him to share instead of defend.
Instead of “Who were you texting?” or “Are you cheating on me?”, which can make most people shut down, you can try softer questions. For example:
“I noticed you turned your phone away a lot today. Is everything okay?”
“I felt a bit shut out when you kept leaving to text. Can you help me understand what was happening?”
“Is there something going on with family or friends that you are worried about?”
These questions let him share context if there is a harmless reason, or open the door if there is something deeper going on.
Ask yourself gently, “Is this new, or have I seen this before?” One secretive evening in a year where he is usually open is different from repeated secrecy across many areas, like money, plans, and messages.
Patterns matter because they show you whether this is about holiday stress and surprise, or about a deeper habit of hiding and avoiding. Your concern is more than valid when the pattern is long and painful.
It is okay to have needs in a relationship. Wanting basic openness is not controlling. You can say things like:
“I respect that you need some privacy. I also need to feel like I am not being shut out. I need a basic sense of what is going on.”
“I am not asking to read your messages. I just need to know that what you tell me matches what is really happening.”
“If something is private because of a surprise, can you tell me that, so I do not feel like I am imagining things?”
Here, you are asking for clarifying behavior, not total access. You are saying, “Help me feel safe,” not, “Prove yourself or else.”
What he does after you share your feelings tells you a lot. A partner who wants a healthy relationship may feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but will try to listen and adjust. He might say, “I did not realize it looked that way. Here is what was going on.” He may offer more context on his own.
If his story makes sense, stays the same, and his behavior shifts in a way that feels more open, that is a good sign. Change does not have to be perfect or instant. You are looking for willingness, not perfection.
On the other hand, if he becomes angry, mocks your feelings, calls you crazy, or refuses to talk at all, that is important information. If he often flips the situation so that you feel guilty just for asking, that is also a red flag.
While you are trying to figure this out, your nervous system may feel very tired. Make sure you have support that is not just him. You might talk to a trusted friend, journal, or speak with a therapist if that is available to you.
You might like the guide I feel like I need too much attention sometimes, which can help you see your needs as valid instead of “needy”.
Simple things like going for a walk, keeping a regular sleep time, and eating enough can seem small, but they help your body feel steadier. When your body is calmer, it is easier to hear your own inner signal about what feels okay and what does not.
Not all secretive messaging means cheating or a big lie. But sometimes, it is part of a wider pattern that harms you. It may be more serious if you notice things like:
He is secretive not only with messages at Christmas, but also with money, plans, or where he goes.
He often changes his story, or you catch him in clear lies.
He gets very defensive or angry when you ask gentle questions.
He blames you for his secrecy, saying things like, “If you were not so jealous, I would not have to hide things.”
He pulls away emotionally, then becomes sweet again only when you stop asking questions.
If several of these are true, the issue is not just holiday behavior. It is about trust and safety in the relationship. In that case, it may help to seek outside support, like a therapist or a trusted person who can see the situation from the outside.
There is a gentle guide on this feeling called How to know if he is serious about us. It can help you think about whether his actions match the kind of commitment you want.
Healing around trust does not happen in one talk. It is a slow process of noticing, speaking, and then watching what changes. The goal is not to never feel anxious again. The goal is to feel that your needs and worries are allowed in the relationship.
Moving forward might look like this. You name your feeling. You share it in a calm moment. He listens and responds with care. Over time, his behavior becomes more predictable and open, especially around charged times like Christmas.
Or, moving forward might show you that he is not willing or able to meet you in that way. This is painful, but it is also clear information. It gives you a chance to decide what you want to do with open eyes, instead of staying stuck in confusion.
Either way, you are learning to trust yourself. You are learning that your sense of “something feels off” is worth listening to, and that you can respond with steadiness, not just panic.
If you are asking, “Should I worry if he gets secretive about messages every Christmas?”, it means you care about honesty and closeness. There is nothing wrong with that. Wanting to understand your partner is not being controlling. Noticing patterns is not being paranoid.
You deserve a relationship where you do not spend each holiday fighting with your own mind. You deserve to ask questions without being shamed. You deserve to feel like you are inside the life you are building together, not standing outside the door.
Your next step does not have to be huge. It could be as small as writing down how you feel, or saving a sentence you may want to use later, like, “When you turn your phone away a lot, I feel anxious and left out. I would like to talk about it.”
You are not alone in this. Many women feel exactly what you are feeling right now. With time, gentle honesty, and support, you can move toward relationships where Christmas feels a bit less confusing, and a bit more safe.
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