Dating red flags
What if he never says sorry for anything
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
You might be asking yourself, what if he never says sorry for anything. You feel hurt, confused, and tired. You wonder if you are asking for too much, just because you want a simple, honest apology when he hurts you.
Here is the short answer. No, you are not asking for too much. Wanting an apology is a healthy need. When a partner never says sorry for anything, it is a sign that something is not working well in the relationship.
This does not always mean he is a bad person. But it does mean there is a pattern that will keep hurting you if nothing changes. You deserve repair after conflict. You deserve to feel heard and cared for, not blamed or ignored.
In daily life, this can feel very heavy. You bring up something that hurt you, and he shrugs, changes the subject, or gets upset. You leave the conversation feeling worse than before.
Maybe he forgot an important date, raised his voice, or made a joke that cut deep. When you share how you feel, instead of "I am sorry," you hear, "You are too sensitive," or "It was just a joke," or "You always make a big deal out of nothing."
Over time, you start to doubt yourself. You think, "Maybe I am the problem," or "I guess my feelings just do not matter that much." You push your hurt down, just to keep the peace.
Some days you might feel angry. Other days you just feel numb. It becomes easier to stay quiet than to try again and end up feeling ignored or blamed.
You might notice you now choose your words very carefully. You watch his mood. You wonder, "If I bring this up, will he get defensive again? Will he say I am overreacting?" It can feel like you are walking on eggshells around someone who is supposed to be safe.
Even small conflicts start to feel big, because nothing ever truly gets fixed. There is no real repair, just time passing and the hope that things will be okay again if you say nothing.
It can help to remember that many people struggle with apologies. This does not excuse hurtful behavior, but it can give clarity. When you understand possible reasons, you can decide what feels right for you.
Some people grew up in homes where mistakes were punished harshly. Maybe he was shamed or yelled at when he did something wrong. In that kind of environment, admitting fault can feel scary.
As an adult, he might now protect himself by never admitting he is wrong. In his mind, if he says "I am sorry," it might feel like, "I am a failure," or, "You will lose respect for me." So he avoids apologies to feel safe or in control.
Defensiveness is when someone quickly turns the focus away from their own actions. Instead of listening, they explain, justify, or attack back. This is a common pattern in relationships.
If you say, "It hurt me when you did that," he might hear, "You are a bad person." So he fights to protect himself. He might say, "Well, you do it too," or, "You are not perfect either," or bring up all the times you made mistakes.
This defensiveness blocks connection. It stops real repair. It can also make you feel like there is no safe way to share your pain.
Some people simply did not grow up with good models of repair. They saw people ignore problems, pretend nothing happened, or use gifts instead of words.
If no one ever showed him how to say, "I was wrong. I am sorry I hurt you. How can I make this better?" then apologies may feel strange or threatening. He may think that moving on and acting normal is enough.
To some people, being "a good person" means they never hurt anyone on purpose. So when you tell him that something he did was hurtful, it clashes with how he sees himself.
Instead of thinking, "I am a good person who did something hurtful," he might think, "I cannot be the bad guy." To keep that image safe, he might minimize what happened, say it was not a big deal, or insist you are being too sensitive.
Sometimes, a partner avoids apologies because they are simply not ready or willing to carry emotional responsibility in a relationship. This can be a sign of emotional immaturity.
They enjoy the fun parts of being close, but they do not want to look at how their actions affect another person. They might see your needs as pressure, or your hurt as drama, instead of as a normal part of love.
Again, this does not mean he is evil. But it does mean that being with him may always feel unbalanced for you, unless he chooses to grow.
When he never says sorry for anything, you feel like you have to hold all the emotional weight in the relationship. You become the one who has to calm things down, make peace, and move on, even when you are the one who was hurt.
Over time, this can slowly wear you down.
If your feelings are often dismissed or turned back on you, you might start to believe that your emotions are too much or not valid. You might think, "Maybe I am crazy," or "Maybe I expect too much."
This doubt can follow you into other parts of your life. You might question your needs at work, with friends, or with family. You might silence yourself more often.
Every time a hurt is ignored or twisted, something stays unfinished inside you. You may forgive on the surface, but the pain sits quietly in your body.
After a while, small things begin to feel huge. You notice yourself snapping over little issues, or feeling cold and distant. Your heart is tired of carrying hurts that never get seen or named.
When you know that bringing up a problem will lead to blame, defensiveness, or silence, you may stop speaking up. You adjust and bend yourself to keep the peace.
You think before every conversation, "Is this worth the fight?" Most of the time, you decide it is easier to say nothing. You hold your feelings inside, and the relationship starts to feel less safe and less honest.
Trust is not only about cheating or big lies. It is also about, "Can I bring my whole self here? Can I show my hurt and know you will care?"
When he never says sorry, the answer to that question starts to feel like "no." You may still love him, but you no longer fully relax with him. Part of you is always guarded, watching, waiting for the next time you will be left alone with your pain.
If you stay in this pattern for a long time, you may begin to believe that this is just how relationships are. You might start to lower your standards, telling yourself that wanting repair and apology is "too much."
This can make it harder to leave, or harder to say no to similar behavior in the future. It can also make it harder to trust someone new who does show care, because it may feel unfamiliar.
If you notice this happening, be gentle with yourself. You learned to survive in a tough emotional space. That says nothing bad about you. It just means you deserve support and care now.
You cannot force someone to say sorry. You cannot make a person see what they do not want to see. But you can be clear about your needs, your limits, and what you choose for yourself.
These ideas are not quick fixes. They are gentle steps that can help you feel more steady and clear.
First, give words to your own experience. You might write in a journal, or just sit quietly and say it in your mind.
You could say, "When he never says sorry for anything, I feel alone with my pain. I start to doubt myself. I feel small and unseen."
Simply naming this is powerful. It helps you remember that what you are feeling is real and understandable.
Wanting an apology is not a sign that you are sensitive or dramatic. It is a basic part of healthy connection.
An apology is not about shame. It is about repair. It says, "I see that I hurt you, and I care enough to own it." You are allowed to want that. You are allowed to need that.
If a part of you feels guilty for wanting an apology, you might like the gentle guide I feel like I need too much attention sometimes. It can help you soften how you see your own needs.
When you feel ready, you can try expressing your needs in a clear but soft way. Choose a time when you are both calm, not in the middle of a fight.
You might say something like:
"When something hurts me and it is never talked about, I feel very alone."
"I do not need you to be perfect. I just need to feel that when you hurt me, you can see it and care."
"When there is no apology or owning what happened, I start to lose trust and feel distant."
Focus on how you feel, not on attacking his character. Use simple "I feel" and "I need" statements. For example, "I feel sad and unseen when my hurt is dismissed. I need us to be able to talk about it and for you to take some responsibility."
His first reaction may not tell you everything. People often feel surprised or defensive at first when a pattern is called out. What matters is what he does over time.
Ask yourself:
Does he try to understand, even if he is clumsy at first?
Does he come back later and say, "I have been thinking about what you said"?
Do his actions slowly start to change, even in small ways?
Or does he keep blaming you, changing the subject, or making you feel wrong for even bringing it up?
Long term patterns tell you more than one nice conversation or one rare apology said under pressure.
A boundary is not a punishment. It is a way of saying what you can and cannot keep accepting, so you can stay emotionally safe.
For example, you might say:
"I want us to work through problems together. If my hurt keeps being dismissed, I will need to take some space."
"I love you, but I need mistakes to be acknowledged so I can heal. If that does not start to happen, I will need to think about what is healthy for me."
It can feel scary to say these words. But they are an honest reflection of your needs. You are not threatening. You are sharing your truth.
If you notice that every time you bring up a problem he becomes defensive, angry, or shuts down, it can help to pause the fight.
You might say, "I am feeling overwhelmed. I want us to talk about this, but I think we need a break so we do not say things we regret. Can we come back to this later?"
Taking a break is not giving up. It is caring for your nervous system and for the health of the conversation. It can also reduce the chance that your feelings get dismissed in the heat of the moment.
If he is open, couples therapy can be a safe place to explore this pattern. A counselor can help both of you see what is happening and learn new ways to repair after conflict.
If he is not open to that, you are still allowed to seek support on your own. A therapist, coach, or trusted friend can help you hold onto your sense of reality when you start to doubt yourself.
Sometimes, just telling another person, "He never says sorry for anything and I feel so tired," can bring a deep relief. You do not have to carry this alone.
It can be painful to look honestly at the impact this is having on your life. But it is also an act of self care.
You might gently ask:
"How do I feel most days in this relationship?"
"Do I feel more calm and secure, or more tense and unsure?"
"If nothing changed in the next one to three years, how would I feel staying?"
Your answers are important. They are information about your needs and your limits. They are not selfish. They are the truth of your inner world.
If you are also worried about other red flags, you might like the guide What if he only wants sex from me. It can help you see patterns more clearly.
Healing in this kind of situation is not just about him changing. It is also about you rebuilding trust with yourself.
Each time you notice your feelings, name them, and treat them as valid, you are taking a step toward yourself. Each time you set a small boundary or speak your truth kindly, you are showing your nervous system, "My pain matters. I listen to me."
If he starts to grow, you will see it over time. He will begin to own his part without you begging. He will say things like, "I was wrong," "I am sorry for how that affected you," and "What can I do to repair this?" You will feel safer, not just because of his words, but because his actions will match them.
If he does not change, or only says sorry when pushed but keeps repeating the same patterns, you may come to a different kind of clarity. You may see that you cannot create emotional safety all by yourself.
That clarity can be painful, but it is also a form of freedom. It gives you the power to choose what is healthiest for you, even if that means stepping back or letting go.
Whatever you decide, there is no shame in how long it takes you to get there. You are allowed to move slowly. You are allowed to stay while you gather strength. You are allowed to leave when you are ready. This is your life.
If you are here, reading about what it means when he never says sorry for anything, it likely means you have been hurting for a while. I want you to know this very clearly. Your hurt is real. Your need for repair is not too much.
Wanting a partner who can say, "I am sorry, I hurt you," is not a luxury. It is a basic part of emotional safety and respect. You deserve that, not because you are perfect, but because you are human.
You are not hard to love because you feel deeply. You are not demanding because you need honesty and accountability. You are a person with a sensitive and awake heart, trying to make sense of a confusing situation.
Today, your next step does not have to be big. It could be as small as writing down how you feel, or sharing one sentence with a trusted friend, or gently telling yourself, "My feelings matter."
From here, you can move one small step at a time. You can listen to your body, your needs, your limits. You can choose what brings you closer to peace, even if it takes time.
You are not alone in this. Many women have sat with the same question, "What if he never says sorry for anything," and have slowly found their way to more clarity and more self respect. You will find your way too, in your own time, in your own way.
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