Self worth and boundaries
He expects me to change for him
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
When you think “he expects me to change for him,” it can feel heavy and lonely. You may feel like who you are is not enough. You might start to wonder if you must become someone else to keep this relationship.
I want to say this clearly. You are not wrong for wanting to stay yourself. Love should not require you to erase who you are. Some change in relationships is normal, but giving up your core self is not a healthy price to pay.
This guide will help you understand why he might expect you to change for him, what is reasonable and what is not, and how you can protect your self worth and boundaries. You will not get a quick rule for every situation, but you will get calm questions and steps that help you stay close to yourself.
You may notice this thought coming back in your mind again and again. “He expects me to change for him.” It might show up in small ways at first. Then it starts to touch more parts of your life.
Maybe he makes comments about your clothes. “You would look better if you dressed more like this.” Maybe he does not like how you laugh, or how you talk with friends, or how you share your feelings.
Maybe he says things like, “If you really loved me, you would stop doing that,” or “You need to be more like this if this is going to work.” You start to feel like you are under a light that is always judging you.
Over time, you might begin to question yourself. You ask, “Am I too sensitive? Am I the problem? Maybe I should just change.” You might feel confused because some of what he says may sound reasonable, and some may feel deeply wrong in your body.
You may feel unaccepted, pressured, or even a bit invisible. It can be hard to know where normal compromise ends and self-betrayal begins. That is what we will explore together.
There are many possible reasons why a man might expect you to change for him. None of these excuses controlling or cruel behavior. But understanding the reasons can help you see the situation more clearly and decide what you want.
Some people walk into relationships with a fixed picture in their minds. They want a partner who looks a certain way, talks a certain way, acts a certain way. They may not even fully know they hold this fantasy.
When you do not match that picture, they feel discomfort. Instead of asking, “Can I love and respect this real person?” they think, “How can I shape her so she fits my idea?”
This can sound like, “You should be more social,” “You need to be less emotional,” “You should work out more,” or “My ex never did that.” In this case, he is not really seeing you. He is trying to use you to complete his picture.
Some people grew up in homes where difference was seen as danger. Maybe in his family everyone had to think the same, act the same, or behave in very strict ways.
So when you have your own tastes, needs, or style, he may feel uneasy. He may try to reduce this feeling by pushing you to become more like him or more like what he knows.
This does not make his requests fair. But it can explain why he seems so bothered when you simply act like yourself.
It is much easier to ask someone else to change than to face our own patterns. If he struggles with jealousy, for example, he might say you must dress more modestly or stop going out. Instead of working on his insecurity, he tries to control your behavior.
If he fears intimacy, he may ask you to stop sharing feelings or to “be more chill,” instead of looking at his own fear of closeness. He may frame it as your problem, when the deeper work is his.
Sometimes a partner will say, “I just want to help you be better,” or “I am pushing you to grow.” Growth in a relationship can be beautiful. But it should feel like support, not pressure or threat.
Healthy support sounds like, “I believe in you,” “How can I help?” or “I love you as you are, and I also see your potential.”
Control sounds like, “If you do not change, I will leave,” “You are not good enough like this,” or “You need to be more like my friend’s girlfriend.” When you hear this again and again, it is natural to feel small and tired.
At the core, when you feel “he expects me to change for him,” there is often a lack of acceptance. He may like some parts of you and reject others. He may criticize your body, your career, your friends, or your emotional needs.
Real love still sees your flaws, but it does not make you feel like a problem to fix. It holds you with respect even when you are not perfect. When acceptance is missing, you often feel like you must earn love by becoming someone else.
It is also true that healthy relationships do involve change. So it can be confusing. You might ask, “Am I wrong for not wanting to change? Am I being stubborn?”
Some change is natural and even good. For example, you might learn to listen more, to speak more kindly, or to manage your anger better. You might become more thoughtful with time or more open to compromise.
These changes usually come from inside you. You choose them because they match your values, not because you are terrified of losing him.
Normal, healthy change feels like growth, not like erasing yourself. You still feel like you in your own life. You might stretch, but you do not disappear.
Unhealthy change, on the other hand, feels like you are acting a part. You feel fake around him. You feel anxious if you slip back into your real self. You may notice that your world gets smaller and smaller so that he can feel comfortable.
Living with the sense that “he expects me to change for him” can quietly touch many parts of your life. It is not just about one habit or one outfit. It can slowly reshape how you see yourself.
If he often points out what is wrong with you or what needs to be fixed, you may start to believe that you are deeply flawed. You might begin to think, “I am hard to love,” or “I am always too much or not enough.”
This can make you doubt your own judgments. You may stop trusting your feelings. You might even feel grateful for small bits of approval from him, because you feel like you must earn every sign of care.
When you feel you have to perform for love, your body can become very tense. Maybe you feel anxious before seeing him. You may replay old conversations in your head, looking for what you said wrong.
Your sleep might be affected. Your appetite may change. You may feel nervous, restless, or numb. This is not because you are weak. It is because living in a constant state of self-correction is exhausting for any human being.
To avoid conflict, you might start changing your plans, your clothes, or your social life. Maybe you stop seeing friends he does not like. Maybe you give up hobbies he makes fun of.
At first, these changes might feel small. But over time, you may look around and realize that your life looks less and less like you. You might feel lost, like you are living in someone else’s story.
When your self worth is low, you might accept things you once said you never would. You might excuse hurtful comments. You might blame yourself for his anger. You might think, “If I just change one more thing, it will finally be good.”
This can keep you stuck. It can also make it harder to leave a situation that is truly unhealthy, because you are busy thinking you must keep fixing yourself instead of asking if this relationship is safe for you.
Before we move into steps, it can help to ask yourself some clear questions. You do not need to rush the answers. Just let them sit with you.
Your honest answers to these can gently show you if this is a place of healthy growth, or a place where you are slowly losing yourself.
You do not have to fix this all at once. You can take small, kind steps that bring you back to yourself, even while you are still unsure what you will do with the relationship.
Some parts of you are core. They are not small habits. They are part of your identity. This might include your sense of humor, your values, your faith, your culture, your love for your work, or your need for close friendships.
Take a moment to list what feels core to you. You can write it down. For example:
When you are clear on your non negotiables, it becomes easier to see when change is asking you to betray yourself instead of grow.
It is also okay to say, “There are some things I do want to change about myself.” Maybe you want to manage your anger better. Maybe you want to be more on time. Maybe you want to work on your own jealousy.
These are your choices. Healthy change starts with your desire, not his demands. You might even say to yourself, “I am working on this for me, not just to keep him.”
There is a gentle guide that can help with inner patterns called Is it possible to change my attachment style. It might support you as you think about change that actually comes from you.
If you feel safe enough to talk with him, you can try to use simple “I” statements. This does not mean you stay silent about what hurts. It just means you speak from your own experience instead of attacking his character.
For example:
You can also add what you need. For example, “I need to know that who I am is basically okay with you, even if there are small things we both work on.”
Boundaries are not threats or punishments. They are clear lines that protect your self worth and safety. A boundary is about what you will do, not about forcing him to change.
Some examples:
When you set a boundary, expect some pushback, especially if he is used to you bending. That pushback does not mean your boundary is wrong. It often just means it is new.
After you share your feelings and set some boundaries, pay attention. Does he make a real effort to listen and adjust how he speaks to you
Or does he dismiss your feelings, turn it back on you, or punish you with silence or anger
Someone who values you may still slip up, but you will see effort to understand and respect your limits. Someone who mainly wants control will likely keep repeating the pattern or make you feel guilty for naming it.
When you feel like you need to change to keep someone, it can be hard to think clearly on your own. Talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group. Share honestly what is happening, not just the good parts.
Sometimes saying it out loud helps you hear how it really sounds. You might notice, “If my friend told me this story, I would feel worried for her.” That is a sign to take your own story seriously too.
If there is any emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, this is not something you need to fix by changing yourself. In that case, the focus is on your safety, not on pleasing him.
Research and experience both show this. People do not deeply change just because their partner tells them to. Real, lasting change usually happens when a person themselves wants it, and when they feel accepted and supported, not shamed.
This is true for you and for him. You cannot force yourself into a new personality and stay well. And you cannot force him into a new way of relating if he does not want to reflect on himself.
Part of your work is to accept this reality, even if it is painful. It can release you from the endless trap of, “If I just change one more thing, maybe he will finally be happy.”
You do not have to decide the future of the relationship today. You also do not have to stay frozen. Moving forward can be a series of small, thoughtful steps.
One step might be simply noticing when the thought “he expects me to change for him” shows up in your day. What just happened. What did he say. How did your body feel.
Another step might be practicing saying one small “no” when something crosses a line for you. It can be as simple as, “I hear you, but I am going to keep wearing this,” or “I am not okay with that comment.”
Over time, these small steps help you feel more like you again. You may find that you stand a little taller, speak a little clearer, and feel a bit less scared of conflict. This does not mean the relationship is fixed. It means you are coming back to yourself.
From this place, you can better see if this relationship has space for the real you. Some partners, when they realize they might lose you, are willing to look at themselves and grow. Others are not.
Whatever he chooses, you are allowed to choose a life where you feel basically accepted. You are allowed to want a relationship where your core self is welcomed, not treated as a problem.
If you are also scared of being alone, you might like the gentle guide When I am afraid of being alone. It can sit beside this one as you think about your next steps.
Needing change in a partner is a normal impulse. We all do it at times. But when a relationship is built on “you must change for me or I cannot love you,” it becomes heavy and unkind.
Wanting to keep your own identity is not selfish. It is healthy. You are allowed to have your own style, your own friends, your own feelings, your own path.
If he expects you to change for him in ways that make you feel small, confused, or scared, that matters. You are not too sensitive for feeling hurt by that. Your pain is a signal that something is off.
As you move forward, try to hold this simple truth close. You do not have to trade your self worth for a relationship. Real love may invite growth, but it does not demand that you disappear.
You are not alone in this. Many women have sat with the same questions and slowly found their way back to themselves. You can take this one step at a time. Maybe your first step is just to admit to yourself, “I feel pressured to change, and I do not like how that feels.” That is already a brave and honest beginning.
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