How do I stop wanting him back

You miss him and you want him back. You know the relationship ended, but your body and mind still reach for him. You wonder how to stop wanting him back, and it feels scary that you do not know how.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Wanting him back after a breakup is very common. Your mind, your body, and your past are all involved. You are not weak for still wanting him.

You can begin to stop wanting him back by understanding why the pull feels so strong, and by taking small kind steps each day. You do not have to forget him all at once. You only need to learn how to want your own life more than you want the past.

When you cannot stop wanting him back

Some days you might wake up and your first thought is him. You reach for your phone and feel the urge to check if he texted. You think about sending a message, just to feel close again.

Maybe you scroll through old photos. You replay your best memories. You ask yourself, "How do I stop wanting him back if I still love him?" It feels like your whole body is saying, "Go back. Fix it. Undo this."

At work you lose focus. At night you lie awake and think about what you should have done differently. Small things remind you of him. A song, a street, a joke. Your chest feels tight. You feel tired but wired at the same time.

You may also feel angry. Maybe he hurt you. Maybe he pulled away, lied, or left without much care. Part of you knows the relationship was not healthy. But another part still reaches for him. That inner conflict can feel very heavy.

It can also feel like you lost a part of yourself. You were not only with him. You were building a life in your mind. You saw shared weekends, trips, maybe even a family. When that ends, it is not just the breakup. It is the loss of the future you imagined.

Why you still want him back

Wanting him back does not mean the relationship was perfect. It means the bond was strong, and your system is still adjusting. There are real emotional and biological reasons for this feeling.

Your brain is used to him

When you are close to someone, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel safe, connected, and calm. You get used to his messages, his voice, his touch, his presence. Your brain starts to expect that comfort.

When the relationship ends, that comfort is removed very fast. Your brain and body go into a kind of withdrawal. You may feel restless, anxious, sad, or even physically unwell. This can make you want him back, not because he is right for you now, but because your system wants what feels familiar.

You invested so much of yourself

You likely gave a lot in this relationship. Time, energy, care, emotion, maybe even money or life choices. You built pieces of your identity around being with him.

When that ends, it can feel like, "Who am I without him?" This loss of identity is painful. Your mind sometimes decides that getting him back is easier than building a new self. So it keeps pulling you toward him, even if another part of you knows it may not be good for you.

You are grieving more than just him

You are not only missing him. You are also grieving:

• The version of yourself who was in love
• The plans and future you imagined
• The feeling of being chosen, wanted, and understood
• The routines and comfort you shared

Grief does not move in a straight line. One day you feel calm. The next day you feel desperate and want to call him. This is normal grief, not a sign that you are failing.

Your mind is protecting you from pain

Sometimes your mind focuses on all the good parts of the relationship. It replays the best moments and softens the bad ones. It may tell you that losing him was a huge mistake, even if there were real problems.

This can be a way your mind tries to avoid the pain of final loss. If you hold onto hope, you do not have to fully face the breakup yet. But this also keeps you stuck and makes it harder to stop wanting him back.

You are afraid of being alone

Being alone after a breakup can feel empty and frightening. Nights and weekends feel long. Friends may be busy. Social media may show couples who seem happy.

In that space, it can feel easier to want him back than to sit with the feelings of loneliness and fear about the future. Your brain may tell you, "No one else will understand me like he did," even if that is not true.

If you feel this fear often, you might like the gentle guide When I am afraid of being alone.

How wanting him back affects your life

When your mind stays focused on wanting him back, it can touch almost every part of your life. This is not because you are dramatic. It is because relationships sit deep in our sense of safety and self.

Your self worth feels low

You may blame yourself for the breakup. Thoughts like, "I must have done something wrong," or "I was not enough," can play in your head. You may compare yourself to other women and feel less than them.

This can make you think that getting him back would prove you are worthy again. It can feel like his return would mean you are lovable. But your worth does not depend on who stays or leaves.

Your mood changes during the day

You might feel fine for a few hours, then suddenly feel a wave of sadness or panic. You might cry in the shower or feel heavy when you see couples outside.

Your sleep may change. You might sleep too much or not enough. You could feel tired all day, even if you did not do much. Emotional pain takes a lot of energy.

Your choices in dating feel confusing

If you try to date again while you still strongly want him back, it can feel confusing. You may compare every new person to him. No one feels "right" because you are still emotionally in the old story.

You might also accept poor treatment from someone new because you feel empty and just want to feel chosen again. This is not your fault. It is a sign that your heart is still healing.

Your daily life can feel smaller

You may stop doing things you once enjoyed. Hobbies, exercise, social plans might feel pointless. Food might not taste the same. Music may feel painful.

This shrinking of life is a normal response to grief, but staying here for too long can deepen sadness. Slowly bringing small pleasures back into your days can help your system remember that there is more in your life than this old relationship.

Gentle ideas that help you stop wanting him back

You do not have to stop wanting him back in one big step. You can loosen the grip slowly. The goal is not to erase your past. The goal is to create more space for you, so that wanting him back is no longer the center of your life.

Let yourself feel without judging yourself

First, allow your feelings. Sadness, anger, regret, missing him, confusion, even still loving him. All of these are normal.

You do not need to say, "I should be over this by now." Healing does not follow a clock. When you notice a feeling, you can say to yourself, "Of course I feel this. I cared a lot." This soft acceptance can calm your system.

Limit contact gently and clearly

If you want to stop wanting him back, you usually need space. This can include:

• Not texting or calling him for a period of time
• Muting his social media so you do not see his updates
• Not asking friends for news about his life

This is not about punishment. It is about giving your brain a chance to adjust to life without constant reminders. If you keep getting new information about him, your feelings stay stirred up.

If you must stay in contact (for work, children, or shared life things), you can keep messages short and focused only on practical topics. You do not owe emotional access to someone who is no longer your partner.

Stop feeding the fantasy version of him

Your mind may hold onto an ideal version of him. It may highlight the sweet moments and push away the painful ones. To loosen your desire, you can gently balance this picture.

• Write down the hard parts of the relationship
• List the ways you felt small, anxious, or unseen
• Remember times your needs were not met

Reading this when you miss him can remind you that you are missing a part of the story, not the whole truth. This is not to make you hate him. It is to help you stay honest with yourself.

Give your body care during the stress

Breakups are not only emotional. They are physical. Stress hormones can make your muscles tense, your heart race, and your sleep poor.

Small body steps can help:

• Drink water during the day
• Eat simple, grounding meals, even if you have little hunger
• Take short walks outside
• Stretch or move your body gently at home
• Try slow breathing, in and out, a few times when you feel overwhelmed

You do not need a perfect routine. Even one or two small actions a day tell your body, "I am here. I am taking care of us." This makes it easier to bear the pull of wanting him back.

Let your story out in safe places

Keeping everything inside can make the desire for him feel stronger. You can let your story out in soft ways:

• Writing in a journal about how you feel today
• Talking with a trusted friend who listens without judging
• Working with a therapist or counselor if that is an option for you
• Writing letters to him that you do not send, just to clear your mind

When your feelings have a place to go, they do not build up as much pressure. You may find that the urge to contact him becomes a little less intense over time.

Build pieces of your identity back

When you ask, "How do I stop wanting him back," a deeper question under it is often, "How do I find myself again?"

You can gently rebuild your sense of self by:

• Returning to old interests you paused during the relationship
• Trying one new activity, class, or hobby that is just for you
• Spending more time with people who make you feel safe and seen
• Setting small goals in work, health, or creativity

These are not distractions from your pain. They are ways of reminding yourself that you are a full person with a life beyond this breakup.

Notice the story you tell about the breakup

Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself about what happened. If your story sounds like, "It is all my fault," or "I will never find love again," your desire to get him back may grow, because he feels like your only chance.

Try to shift the story to something more balanced, like:

• "We both brought things to this relationship, and we both had limits."
• "This relationship taught me things, even if it also hurt me."
• "I do not know my future yet. There can still be care and love ahead."

This does not erase the pain, but it opens a bit more space so you are not trapped in only one painful version of the story.

Have a plan for the hard moments

The urge to reach out often comes in waves. It can feel very strong for a few minutes or an hour, then slowly pass. You can make a simple plan for those moments:

• Text a friend who understands your situation
• Write out what you want to say to him in a note, but do not send it
• Take a shower or step outside for fresh air
• Set a timer for 20 minutes and promise yourself you will not contact him until it ends

Often, by the time the timer ends, the feeling is a little softer. You may still want him, but you may feel more in control of your choice.

Moving forward slowly

Healing from wanting him back is not a straight path. There will be days you feel strong and sure, and days you feel like you are back at the beginning. This back and forth is normal.

Over time, with care and space, a few things often change:

• The thoughts of him come less often
• The urge to contact him feels less sharp
• You find yourself thinking more about your own life than about the past
• You feel a bit more hope about the future, even if you are still single

You may still think of him sometimes, and that is okay. The goal is not to erase your past. It is to reach a place where those thoughts no longer control you.

As you move forward, you might also notice patterns from this relationship. Maybe you chased, and he pulled away. Maybe you often felt anxious or unsure. If you want to understand this more deeply, you might like the calm guide What is an anxious attachment style really like.

Each insight you gain is not a reason to blame yourself. It is a way to care for your future self and to choose relationships that feel more steady and kind.

You are not weak for still wanting him

Wanting him back does not mean you are broken. It means you loved, you hoped, and your system is still catching up to what happened. Your feelings show your capacity to attach, to care, to give. Those are not flaws. They are strengths that need gentle boundaries.

You are allowed to take as long as you need. You are allowed to miss him and still choose not to go back. Both can be true at the same time. You can hold your love and also hold your self respect.

One small step you can take today might be this. Pick one gentle action from this guide and try it. Maybe you write for five minutes. Maybe you mute his social media. Maybe you drink a glass of water and take a short walk.

You do not have to fix everything tonight. You only need to care for yourself in this next small moment. With time, the question "How do I stop wanting him back" will feel less sharp. In its place, another question will rise, "How can I build a life that feels good to me now?" And you will not face that question alone. There is always support for you, even in quiet, simple steps.