Modern dating
Monkeybarring: The Dating Trend Leaving Women Dangling
Thursday, May 14, 2026
A recent YouGov poll of modern daters revealed 62 percent of women have experienced parallel dating deception. Finding out someone is keeping their options open hurts deeply. It changes how we view commitment and trust entirely.
Monkeybarring happens when a person maintains active romantic prospects with others before officially ending their current relationship. It mimics a monkey swinging from one bar to the next without letting go of the first. This creates blurred emotional boundaries and leaves the other person feeling incredibly confused.
Dating apps and constant connectivity make this behavior remarkably easy to hide. Hinge released a 2025 dating report detailing this exact phenomenon. They found that 28 percent of young users admitted to overlapping conversations when in a committed relationship.
This rising trend turns dating into an endless search for something better. It minimizes the human heart into a disposable option. People treat potential partners like safety nets rather than real human beings.
It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of this dynamic. You might notice sudden shifts in communication or vague plans. These small changes are often the first quiet indicators of a wandering eye.
Finding out your partner is still seeking other connections feels incredibly isolating. You might feel a sharp sting of betrayal right now. Please know that this ache is entirely valid and deeply human.
We pour our energy into building a quiet and safe connection. Finding out that the other person kept a safety net feels like a sudden drop. It makes you question every sweet word or shared moment you experienced together.
You might be replaying old conversations in your head right now. You are likely searching for clues you missed along the way. This frantic overthinking is a natural response to feeling emotionally unsafe.
It is just your brain trying to protect you from future pain. You did not do anything wrong by trusting the person in front of you. A loving heart naturally wants to believe the best in others.
It is deeply unfair to be treated as an option when you offered your full presence. We live in a culture that sometimes glorifies keeping your options open to avoid pain. The truth is that this approach blocks genuine intimacy from ever taking root.
The pain of this situation stems from a broken sense of safety. When someone keeps one foot out the door, it creates a deeply unpredictable environment. Our minds crave stability to feel secure in love.
Sociologist Amanda Miller notes this behavior often stems from a fear of being single and a need for external validation. It makes modern romance feel more like endless shopping. This constant pursuit of the next best thing erodes the foundation of trust.
It leaves you waiting for a sudden and unexpected drop. We often internalize this instability as a reflection of our own worth. In reality, it says much more about their internal fears.
A relationship coach named Ruchi Dwivedi explains that this trend actually normalizes dating multiple people under a trendy new name. It usually comes from the pricking insecurity of being alone. It does not come from a place of emotional strength.
In our experience, we provide guidance on recognizing when silence is used as punishment in conflict. We help people tell the difference between healthy space and manipulation. We teach people to name the pattern once, set a time limit, and understand that chronic punishing silence is a strong signal to consider leaving.
Often, monkeybarring is accompanied by this exact type of silence. The person pulling away creates a quiet gap as they test new waters. They leave you in the dark to manage your own anxiety.
This is why decoding mixed signals becomes so exhausting for a gentle heart. We end up carrying the emotional weight of their indecision. The ambiguity drains our energy and lowers our self esteem over time.
True connection requires two people who are willing to face the unknown together. Many people engage in this behavior out of a deep fear of being alone. You never deserve to be used as a simple stepping stone.
Your first move is simply to pause and check in with your own body. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what you need right now to feel safe. Sometimes stepping away from your phone for an hour is the bravest thing you can do.
Try writing down exactly what you observed without making excuses for them. Putting the facts on paper helps clear the emotional fog. It allows you to see the situation with a little more clarity and calm.
If you feel overwhelmed, make a cup of warm tea and rest. You do not need to figure everything out in this exact moment. Healing from this type of hurt requires immense patience and self compassion.
Speaking up about blurred lines feels daunting and scary. If you need to address the overlap, you can keep it simple and calm. Having a script ready can quiet your racing thoughts.
Try saying: "I am looking for a connection where we are both fully present. If you are still pursuing other options, I need to step back."
Or you might say: "I noticed some inconsistency in our communication recently. I need honesty about where we stand so I can make the right choice for myself."
These words are gentle but incredibly firm. They place the responsibility back on the other person to be honest. You are simply stating your standard and holding your ground securely.
You are not a backup plan or a placeholder for someone else. True connection requires two people who are willing to hold on firmly. Save this gentle reminder for later.
When you feel the urge to blame yourself, look at the facts. Their inability to commit is a reflection of their own emotional limits. It has absolutely nothing to do with your inherent lovability.
Dating after heartbreak asks us to trust ourselves again. You can rebuild that trust by refusing to accept partial love. You are worthy of someone who chooses you completely and consistently.
You are allowed to feel deeply disappointed by this experience. Let yourself grieve the connection you thought you were building. Moving forward means accepting their actions as truth and letting go of the potential you saw in them.
There are quiet signs that tell you when it is time to leave entirely. If conversations about exclusivity are met with defensive anger or vague promises, pay attention. These are subtle signs of emotional unavailability that rarely change.
A partner hiding their screen constantly or disappearing for days indicates a deep lack of respect. You should never have to beg for basic transparency in a partnership. Love should feel like a safe harbor rather than a constant storm.
When you feel more anxiety than peace, it is okay to choose your own wellbeing. Walking away from someone you care about is incredibly painful. It is still much better than staying in a space where you are merely an option.
Dating around is usually an open and transparent process in the very early stages. Monkeybarring involves hiding active searches from a current, supposedly exclusive partner. The secrecy and deception are what cause the lasting damage.
Healing requires total honesty and a willingness to rebuild trust slowly. Both people must actively choose to repair the breach of faith. If the deceptive behavior continues, real healing simply cannot happen.
Look for severe inconsistencies in their daily communication or a sudden reluctance to make future plans. Pay attention if they become intensely guarded with their phone out of nowhere. Trust your gut when things feel off or suddenly distant.
Start by honoring your intuition and trusting your own feelings again. Give yourself time to process the heartbreak without rushing into a new relationship. Surround yourself with friends who gently remind you of your inherent value.
A recent Bumble report noted that 73 percent of women cited emotional whiplash from inconsistent partners as a top complaint. We started by looking at the sheer number of women experiencing this quiet deception. You are clearly not alone in this heavy feeling. Remember that finding real connection means choosing someone who lets go of everything else to hold your hand.
A collective of writers and researchers specializing in behavioral psychology and relationship recovery.
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