Dating red flags
Should I worry if he still talks badly about his ex?
Saturday, January 17, 2026
Many women notice a sinking feeling when a new man keeps bringing up his ex and speaking badly about her. This can make you wonder, very quickly, should I worry if he still talks badly about his ex? It can feel confusing when he is kind to you, but harsh and bitter when he speaks about the person he used to love.
This is common in modern dating, and it can feel like a quiet warning in the background. It matters because how he speaks about his ex often shows how ready he is, or is not, for a new relationship. We will work through what this can mean, how to read it, and what you can gently do next.
Answer: It depends, but regular angry ex talk is usually a red flag.
Best next step: Notice the pattern for a few weeks, then name how it feels.
Why: Ongoing bitterness often means unresolved feelings and low emotional safety.
When a man talks badly about his ex, you may feel a mix of curiosity and unease. Part of you may think, "He trusts me and is opening up," and another part may think, "If he talks about her like this, will he talk about me like this one day?" This split inside can be tiring.
You might replay his words later in your head. Maybe he calls her "crazy" or "toxic" or says she ruined his life. You may catch yourself wondering what she did, what really happened, and if you might one day be cast as the "bad one" too. This quiet fear can sit in your body as tight shoulders, a heavy chest, or trouble sleeping after heavy talks.
There can also be guilt. You might think, "I should be more understanding" or "Everyone vents sometimes" and push away your own discomfort. You may worry you are being too sensitive or needy because hearing about his ex so often makes you feel small or less important.
Sometimes there is also a fear of being a rebound. When he keeps going back to stories about her, you may feel like a side character in his life, while his past still holds the main role. You might think, "Is he really here with me, or is he still in that old story?"
This can create an unstable, emotionally draining dynamic. One day he may shower you with attention, and the next day he might spiral into anger about his ex again. You can feel like an emotional bin, where his pain lands, instead of feeling like a partner he is building something new with.
If you are already someone who worries about being left, this can be even harder. You might feel tempted to work extra hard to be the "good" partner so he never speaks that way about you. This can push you into people-pleasing, ignoring your own needs, and walking on eggshells around his moods.
It makes sense if you feel tired, confused, or unsure what to do. This situation touches deep fears about being valued, being chosen, and being safe in love.
When you ask, "Should I worry if he still talks badly about his ex?" it helps to understand why this might be happening. There are a few common reasons, and not all of them mean he is a bad person. But they do matter for your emotional safety.
Many people speak badly about an ex when they are still in pain. They may feel hurt, rejected, betrayed, or ashamed, and anger feels easier than sadness. Blame can be a shield that keeps them from looking at their own part in what went wrong.
If he says things like "She ruined my life" or "She was the whole problem," with no sense of his own role, that often shows he has not fully processed the breakup. When someone has not processed a breakup, they are usually not fully emotionally available for a new relationship.
Some people never learned how to feel and express pain in a healthy way. They were not taught how to say, "I felt rejected" or "I was scared" so they speak in harsh, simple labels like "crazy," "manipulative," or "psycho." This language can be a sign that they are not used to taking emotional responsibility.
This does not always come from malice. It can come from habit or from growing up in a space where blame was normal and feelings were not named. Still, it affects you and your sense of safety.
Sometimes a person talks badly about an ex because they want to be seen as the victim and keep the moral high ground. If he always paints himself as the perfect one and her as the villain, it can be a way to manage how you see him.
In some cases, this can be a subtle way to test whether you will accept his version without asking questions. If you feel pressure to agree, or if he gets defensive when you ask gentle questions, that is important information.
When someone is still emotionally stuck in their past, it is hard for them to bring their full self into the present. They might enjoy your company, affection, and attention, but they may not be able to build something steady and mutual.
Emotional availability means they can show up with you in a consistent way, without the past taking center stage all the time. Constant ex talk, especially harsh talk, usually shows there is still emotional work they have not done.
There is also context. Almost everyone vents about an ex at some point. A single story, shared once in a calm way, does not mean he is dangerous or unreliable. Occasional mentions of an ex, in a neutral tone, are normal, especially when you are learning about each other's past.
What matters is the pattern. How often does it happen, how intense is it, and how do you feel during and after those talks?
This is where you can begin to care for yourself and test what kind of man he is, without pushing yourself to decide everything right away. You do not have to fix him. You only need to protect your peace and respond to what is in front of you.
Spend a few weeks just noticing how often he talks badly about his ex and in what tone. You can even make a small note in your phone after you see him, so you are not relying on memory that might soften things over time.
A simple rule you can hold is this: If a pattern feels heavy for 3 weeks, step back.
When you feel ready, you can share how the ex talk lands for you. It can help to speak from your feelings, not from blame. This gives him a chance to respond in a more open way.
You might say things like:
One soft sentence can be, "I'd love to hear more about us instead." It is simple and clear. You are not telling him he is wrong to feel what he feels, but you are setting a limit on how much of that you are willing to hold.
If he keeps going, you are allowed to set a stronger boundary. A boundary is just a line that protects your well-being. It is not a punishment. It is you taking care of yourself.
You could say:
Then, notice what he does. Does he respect your boundary and shift his behavior over time? Or does he ignore it, laugh it off, or get angry? His response tells you how he handles care and respect in relationships.
If these talks leave you feeling low, it is okay to pull back a bit. You do not owe constant listening, especially in early dating. Your role is not to be his therapist or rescuer.
You can create small ways to protect your heart:
There is a gentle guide on building steadier dating called How to know if he is serious about us. You might find it soothing if you notice a mismatch between his words and his actions.
While ex talk tells you something, his behavior with you tells you even more. Notice if he keeps promises, respects your time, and shows up when he says he will. Emotional availability shows up in consistency, not just nice words.
If he is kind to you now but cruel when he talks about his ex, that contrast matters. It can suggest that his warmth comes and goes based on what he feels in the moment, not on deeper values. Ask yourself, "If we broke up, how likely is it that he would talk about me the way he talks about her?" Take your honest answer seriously.
You do not have to decide today whether to stay or leave. You can move slowly, notice your feelings, and keep your options open. If this dynamic feels draining, you can allow yourself to date others or take space from dating entirely for a while.
Sometimes the most caring choice is to step back from a situation that feels unstable, rather than trying to fix it. You deserve a relationship where you are not competing with someone else's past or carrying their unprocessed pain.
If worries about being left make it hard to step back, you might like the guide How to stop being scared my partner will leave me. It speaks gently to that deep fear of abandonment.
When you keep hearing about his ex, it can slowly shape how you see yourself and relationships. You may start to compare yourself to her, wonder what you must do to avoid becoming "the bad one," and edit your own needs to stay "easy." This is heavy for your nervous system.
Try small self-care practices that bring you back to yourself:
Your feelings are data, not drama. If you feel tense, tired, or unseen, something in this dynamic is not working for you, even if you cannot yet name it clearly.
Over time, healing in him would look like less bitter ex talk and more balanced reflection. He might say things like, "We both made mistakes" or "We grew apart" without needing to insult or attack. His focus would slowly shift from the past to what he is building with you now.
Healing for you might look like feeling less on edge around him, and more able to speak your mind without fear he will turn you into the next "crazy ex." You would feel that your needs and limits matter, not that you must earn his kindness by being endlessly patient with his pain.
Growth in the relationship would mean that when you share how his ex talk affects you, he listens and adjusts over time. He might still feel hurt, but he would seek healthier ways to process, instead of pouring it all onto you. You would both spend more time in shared present moments than in stories about his past.
If that does not happen, it is a sign that this connection might not be the place where you can thrive. You are allowed to choose what supports your peace, even if he has many good qualities.
It becomes too much when it feels like a regular pattern, is mostly negative, and leaves you feeling tired or anxious. If most dates include some rant about his ex, that is a lot for the early stages of dating. A clear rule can be: if ex talk dominates your time together for a few weeks, it is worth stepping back or naming it directly.
Often, yes, it means he is still emotionally tied to what happened, even if he says he does not want her back. Anger and blame are forms of attachment, because he is still spending a lot of energy on her. If he seems stuck in one story about how terrible she was, it usually shows he has not fully processed the breakup and may not be fully ready for a new relationship.
Yes, if you feel safe to do so, because your feelings matter in this relationship too. You can use soft, clear language and focus on how it impacts you instead of attacking his character. For example, "I feel uneasy when our talks focus on your ex a lot" is honest and kind. If he cannot hear that, it shows something important about how conflict may be handled with him.
When someone says all their exes were crazy, it is usually a red flag. It suggests that person struggles to take responsibility for their part and may repeat the same pattern with you. In that case, move slowly, keep your eyes open, and remember that you do not have to stay if your sense of safety keeps dropping.
Sometimes it can, but only if he is willing to look at his own behavior and find healthier ways to process his past. That usually means less blaming, more self-reflection, and a clear shift in how often and how bitterly he talks about his ex. If months pass and nothing changes, believe the pattern. Your energy is better spent with someone who is ready for the kind of relationship you want.
Take five minutes to write one honest sentence that starts with, "When he talks badly about his ex, I feel…" Then look at that sentence and ask yourself, "What would I do if I fully respected this feeling?" Let your answer guide your next small step.
We have walked through what his ex talk might mean, how it touches your fears, and what gentle actions you can take to protect your heart. Give yourself space for this, and remember that you are allowed to choose relationships where you feel steady, respected, and safe to be yourself.
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